Hello,
I’m not sure if this is the right section for this thread, but I couldn’t find a more suitable one.
I often read here about couples planning and building their house before having children. As a result, the children’s rooms are planned more or less optimistically.
That was also the case for us when we bought our house. At the time, we thought it would be quick and easy to fill the three children’s rooms. A few years later, we have to accept that we will probably never have biological children. Since adoption was an option for us from the start, we are still hopeful that we will have children eventually. The process has already cost us a lot, and there will be more costs to come; in the end, we will probably have spent a mid five-figure amount.
Because of these difficult experiences, I would like to advise every original poster who is building before having children that having children can take longer and be more expensive than planned. But of course, I don’t want to always be the downer. Unfulfilled desire to have children affects about one in ten couples, depending on how you look at it.
What do you think? Am I being too negative? Has anyone else had a similar experience?
I’m not sure if this is the right section for this thread, but I couldn’t find a more suitable one.
I often read here about couples planning and building their house before having children. As a result, the children’s rooms are planned more or less optimistically.
That was also the case for us when we bought our house. At the time, we thought it would be quick and easy to fill the three children’s rooms. A few years later, we have to accept that we will probably never have biological children. Since adoption was an option for us from the start, we are still hopeful that we will have children eventually. The process has already cost us a lot, and there will be more costs to come; in the end, we will probably have spent a mid five-figure amount.
Because of these difficult experiences, I would like to advise every original poster who is building before having children that having children can take longer and be more expensive than planned. But of course, I don’t want to always be the downer. Unfulfilled desire to have children affects about one in ten couples, depending on how you look at it.
What do you think? Am I being too negative? Has anyone else had a similar experience?
Winniefred12 Mar 2019 08:41First of all, I am very sorry that fate has been so harsh on you. That is terrible. I sincerely hope that you will be able to adopt a child!
On the topic: Basically, this situation is a bit of a catch-22. No one knows if or how many children someone will have when building a home without children yet. It’s always a gamble. When we bought our home, we already had two children, and my husband doesn't want a third, and neither do I anymore. But if you are childless, you simply have to make an educated guess about what you might need in the future. Either you guess correctly or you end up over- or underestimating. If necessary, you can always add on later, or children will have to share rooms, or you may just have extra rooms; having a home office, guest room, hobby room, or playroom has never hurt anyone. High costs related to unfulfilled desires for children—whether through various fertility treatments or adoption—are a significant burden, that’s true. But theoretically, one could also say that existing children or a partner might become seriously ill or have an accident, and these illnesses or disabilities could cost so much that the family reaches its limits. Therefore, I think you just have to accept some risk; but every one of us takes that risk every day—life can end suddenly at any time or take an unexpected turn. There are so many options that it is simply impossible to weigh and factor in all of them.
On the topic: Basically, this situation is a bit of a catch-22. No one knows if or how many children someone will have when building a home without children yet. It’s always a gamble. When we bought our home, we already had two children, and my husband doesn't want a third, and neither do I anymore. But if you are childless, you simply have to make an educated guess about what you might need in the future. Either you guess correctly or you end up over- or underestimating. If necessary, you can always add on later, or children will have to share rooms, or you may just have extra rooms; having a home office, guest room, hobby room, or playroom has never hurt anyone. High costs related to unfulfilled desires for children—whether through various fertility treatments or adoption—are a significant burden, that’s true. But theoretically, one could also say that existing children or a partner might become seriously ill or have an accident, and these illnesses or disabilities could cost so much that the family reaches its limits. Therefore, I think you just have to accept some risk; but every one of us takes that risk every day—life can end suddenly at any time or take an unexpected turn. There are so many options that it is simply impossible to weigh and factor in all of them.
You are right that there are many other things that can happen or where sudden financial difficulties may arise. My thought was that unemployment or incapacity to work might be something people keep in mind, but problems with having children are less often considered. At least, that was the case for us. Two young, healthy people—no one really expects it. On top of that, we had an unfavorable insurance situation that effectively made us self-payers.
Thank you for your sympathy; fortunately, I have moved past the stage of self-pity. This is simply our burden to bear. I am happy to be able to provide a home to one (hopefully two) child(ren) without a family.
Thank you for your sympathy; fortunately, I have moved past the stage of self-pity. This is simply our burden to bear. I am happy to be able to provide a home to one (hopefully two) child(ren) without a family.
Who knows what the future holds.
Number of children, illness, accidents – none of this can be planned, and sometimes you just have to accept things as they come. If necessary, sell and downsize or upsize.
You are still young; maybe there will be children. Foster children, adoption, your own (I know two people who tried everything and nothing worked. By their late 30s/early 40s, it went smoothly).
Number of children, illness, accidents – none of this can be planned, and sometimes you just have to accept things as they come. If necessary, sell and downsize or upsize.
You are still young; maybe there will be children. Foster children, adoption, your own (I know two people who tried everything and nothing worked. By their late 30s/early 40s, it went smoothly).
M
Mottenhausen12 Mar 2019 11:00I like this thread, Niloa! Thanks for your honesty!
It’s not just about the number of rooms; the entire project depends on it. I think most people imagine their children playing in the garden when planning their home. Learning to ride a bike on the quiet street in front of the house instead of relying on littered and dirty playgrounds (well, in this case it’s actually okay), and so on. Without children, all of that disappears. Fortunately, we have two healthy young children and are building now. On the other hand, without kids, the whole purpose would have been missing for me, because as a child-free couple, I would have kept the flexibility of renting and rather treated myself to a loft in the city center with a rooftop terrace, etc.
It’s not just about the number of rooms; the entire project depends on it. I think most people imagine their children playing in the garden when planning their home. Learning to ride a bike on the quiet street in front of the house instead of relying on littered and dirty playgrounds (well, in this case it’s actually okay), and so on. Without children, all of that disappears. Fortunately, we have two healthy young children and are building now. On the other hand, without kids, the whole purpose would have been missing for me, because as a child-free couple, I would have kept the flexibility of renting and rather treated myself to a loft in the city center with a rooftop terrace, etc.
I think it’s also psychological: you build your home full of anticipation for your family, and then it ends up just being for a dual-income, no kids (DINK) household... and every time you think about what you originally dreamed of.
Of course, you can repurpose the space, but that’s not really the main issue.
Here, the suggestion was a bungalow floor plan with the option to expand on the upper floor, so you can truly adapt when the family grows.
A colleague’s situation was the opposite: he wanted two children’s rooms (okay, a third was planned), plus an office and a guest room. They had two kids, but then came the surprise: twins. Now he has to rethink his plans as well.
Of course, you can repurpose the space, but that’s not really the main issue.
Here, the suggestion was a bungalow floor plan with the option to expand on the upper floor, so you can truly adapt when the family grows.
A colleague’s situation was the opposite: he wanted two children’s rooms (okay, a third was planned), plus an office and a guest room. They had two kids, but then came the surprise: twins. Now he has to rethink his plans as well.
I am also planning for 2 children's bedrooms (or rather, they are already built) – and that as a single woman without children. In the end, you can never predict the situation. Partner yes/no, partner with fertility issues, or your own child arrives, followed by surprise twins... In the best case, both rooms are occupied by children; otherwise, I have a home office and a hobby room.