Last night we visited friends, and of course, during the evening conversations over red wine, the topic eventually turned to our upcoming house construction (specifically the building of our prefabricated house in September). Our friends built their house back in 2015/2016 and already warned us about how stressful the construction phase can be for a relationship or marriage. They shared numerous examples from their new housing development, where tensions between partners remained quite high for a long time, dampening the enjoyment of the new home. For instance, one couple still hasn’t agreed on what kind of paving to have in front of their house, so nothing has been done yet, and the area is still just covered in gravel. For others, the design of the terrace seems to be dispute number one... I’d rather not know what else causes arguments inside the house.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Zaba12 schrieb:
This just supports my point that she is building the house for herself, which is perfectly fine given the situation. The partner is more of a companion to avoid being alone, which is also completely legitimate.
Will he pay rent in the future, or will he have to work off the rent? Work it off? More like....
haydee schrieb:
No self-performed work until moving inThat’s probably because you didn’t argue... that’s when things get serious... when your energy is running out and your nerves are on edge... and the contractor shows up tomorrow morning and will leave if you’re not finished
Fummelbrett schrieb:
But isn't this basically the fundamental question of how the relationship is going? SHE is a wealthy heiress, HE is an unsuccessful artist—if HE then makes demands and basically plans the whole house to fulfill HIS dream without consulting his wife, something is wrong. Not just with the planning, but with the relationship itself.
In everyday life, there are so many small and bigger decisions—how do couples like this manage them? Going out to eat—the one with more money decides where to go and what to eat? Vacation—the one with the higher income chooses the destination? Shopping—the one with more money decides what is bought and eaten? Oh no!
That said—I hope you forgive me—I still believe in common sense. Especially when both partners have very different incomes—even without children. For example: the partner who earns less can’t expect to choose a luxury vacation when the higher earner would rather go hiking in the mountains. Something is off. And it’s not about someone wanting to spend money they would never make through their work but rather about interpersonal issues. Why does one want a luxury trip, while the other prefers something simple and quiet? Do their expectations really match—not only regarding vacations but also in terms of life goals, progress, and happiness? Don’t they talk to each other “during the year,” so this example of vacation choices would already reveal what each wants? Or are they simply two people living together/next to each other because that’s how it turned out and they just tolerate each other? How should this be understood? Does the one who pays make the decisions?
And maybe the different desire for a mountain holiday or a luxury trip simply comes down to the fact that he is constantly traveling on his company’s expenses and now wants peace and quiet…but she finally wants to get away and blow off steam…because she’s always stuck at home with the children anyway…
So why don’t they get along right away???
Snowy36 schrieb:
That’s probably because you haven’t argued yet... that’s when it gets serious... when your energy is running low and your nerves are on edge... and the contractor is at the door first thing in the morning and will leave if you’re not ready Among other things, yes.
Most arguments are about doing the work yourself and money, not about the tile size. It’s difficult when your budget doesn’t meet your wishes and there isn’t enough time in everyday life. It’s the same when you work after your regular job, on weekends, and during holidays. It’s not done in just two or three Saturdays.
Snowy36 schrieb:
How should this be understood? Does the person who pays call the shots?
And maybe the different preferences for a mountain holiday or a luxury trip simply come down to the fact that he is always traveling for work, paid for by the company, and now wants some peace and quiet... while she finally wants to get away and let loose because she’s usually stuck at home with the kids...
So why do they assume they’re not compatible right away??? Does the person who pays call the shots? Not really. But why—in this hypothetical example—does he want to go hiking when he knows she wants luxury? And why does she want luxury when she knows he wants peace and quiet? You have to communicate sometimes, understand how the other person thinks. So why insist on something you know your partner doesn’t want? It’s kind of like if my husband goes to buy a new jacket and comes back with a tight pink women’s fur jacket. I’d be pretty surprised and confused, especially because I hadn’t seen any sign of that preference before and would have assumed he’d buy something similar to his last jacket.
I believe there should be gratitude, humility, and certainly a greater willingness to compromise from the partner who does not contribute financially (for whatever reason).
For example, if I were in a relationship with a woman for five years and she inherited or saved 800,000 euros and spent it on a house, while I couldn’t contribute financially at all, I would remain very, very quiet!
From the start, I would always be willing to step back and let her take the lead when it comes to the house. After all, it’s not my money! No matter how you look at it… It was never mine, isn’t mine, and will never be mine. I wouldn’t want it any other way. In other words, I would never dare to tell her what she should or shouldn’t build or decide.
Of course, I would support her with advice and practical help and be proactive. But to demand or insist on anything? NOTHING! On the contrary! I would be very grateful and would contribute whatever I could financially (groceries or whatever). Even if it’s only a small amount in comparison. And I would demand NOTHING in return. After all, I get to use and enjoy everything anyway.
For ME personally, a partnership is NOT about material things... A partnership means much more important things than trying to get a share in the property deed or whatever...
I could never be with a woman who doesn’t share these values.
Gratitude is very important to me. Some people seem to forget this in the heat of the moment. Humility is a virtue!
P.S.: (@CoolCat) Apologies if the scenario mentioned above—where the woman covers all the financial costs—is very different from your or your group’s experience. I, on the other hand, find both this scenario and the previous one (weekend DJ) quite realistic, especially because I know someone for whom this is somewhat true. If “CoolCat” finds such a scenario too unusual or foreign, that’s unfortunate. There are many people out there who are all very different. Not everyone is a “9-to-5er” with two kids, sharing (in some form) the mortgage.
With that said, have a nice weekend.
For example, if I were in a relationship with a woman for five years and she inherited or saved 800,000 euros and spent it on a house, while I couldn’t contribute financially at all, I would remain very, very quiet!
From the start, I would always be willing to step back and let her take the lead when it comes to the house. After all, it’s not my money! No matter how you look at it… It was never mine, isn’t mine, and will never be mine. I wouldn’t want it any other way. In other words, I would never dare to tell her what she should or shouldn’t build or decide.
Of course, I would support her with advice and practical help and be proactive. But to demand or insist on anything? NOTHING! On the contrary! I would be very grateful and would contribute whatever I could financially (groceries or whatever). Even if it’s only a small amount in comparison. And I would demand NOTHING in return. After all, I get to use and enjoy everything anyway.
For ME personally, a partnership is NOT about material things... A partnership means much more important things than trying to get a share in the property deed or whatever...
I could never be with a woman who doesn’t share these values.
Gratitude is very important to me. Some people seem to forget this in the heat of the moment. Humility is a virtue!
P.S.: (@CoolCat) Apologies if the scenario mentioned above—where the woman covers all the financial costs—is very different from your or your group’s experience. I, on the other hand, find both this scenario and the previous one (weekend DJ) quite realistic, especially because I know someone for whom this is somewhat true. If “CoolCat” finds such a scenario too unusual or foreign, that’s unfortunate. There are many people out there who are all very different. Not everyone is a “9-to-5er” with two kids, sharing (in some form) the mortgage.
With that said, have a nice weekend.