Last night we visited friends, and of course, during the evening conversations over red wine, the topic eventually turned to our upcoming house construction (specifically the building of our prefabricated house in September). Our friends built their house back in 2015/2016 and already warned us about how stressful the construction phase can be for a relationship or marriage. They shared numerous examples from their new housing development, where tensions between partners remained quite high for a long time, dampening the enjoyment of the new home. For instance, one couple still hasn’t agreed on what kind of paving to have in front of their house, so nothing has been done yet, and the area is still just covered in gravel. For others, the design of the terrace seems to be dispute number one... I’d rather not know what else causes arguments inside the house.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
We rarely disagreed, and when something was really important to one of us, there were minor discussions.
However, we had agreed beforehand to stick to the budget, and everyone was allowed one special request.
In the end, though, it was always a consensus and a joint decision.
However, we had agreed beforehand to stick to the budget, and everyone was allowed one special request.
In the end, though, it was always a consensus and a joint decision.
We basically agree on many things. Beyond that, there are some decisions that one person makes alone (his workshop is his domain, I picked almost all the lights myself and just had him approve them), and sometimes we discuss, argue, and there have been occasions where he said, "I’m not saying anything anymore because it won’t be considered anyway," then sulked for a few days.
The fact is, as a bit of a perfectionist, I have planned everything countless times, looked at thousands of pages online for inspiration, read magazines, etc. — so I am much more involved in planning and execution than he is. I usually wait out the sulking phase, and more often than not, he eventually admits that my solution is more thought-through (well, I’ve probably put in several hours while he’s dealing with it for the first time).
As I said, some things are his playground. A lot is technical—so when I read here about LAN sockets and how many, etc., I can’t really contribute, he takes care of it. And I assume it will be fine. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort on my part to hold back when I realize he’s just letting it slide. I’m different; I would research until I know exactly what I want. For example, we considered installing a bus system—which he should decide. I would have immediately started researching in relevant forums, diving deep. But he eventually decided, somewhat intuitively, that it’s too expensive for the benefit. So, we don’t have it now. We’ll see if we ever regret that.
I simply have to watch my resources, which is why I firmly refuse to dive into those technical details. I’m exhausted. Besides, that would only lead to more arguments because I’d want to bring in my (researched) knowledge, and he would be annoyed that I’m messing in his territory. So I leave it alone—it’s better for the relationship.
Overall, though, it often happens that we independently come to the same decisions. Just today, for example: we still had to decide on the color of the spotlights in the bathroom. I knew what I liked and passed the request from our lighting store on to him and asked, “What do you want?” He arrived at the same conclusion. It was the same with the flooring, etc.
However, if it were about having a club emblem as paving stones, I probably wouldn’t keep my composure as well as Maria did; I’d be firmly against it.
So far, we have managed the house build without any major crises, and hopefully, we’ll keep it that way for the last two months.
The fact is, as a bit of a perfectionist, I have planned everything countless times, looked at thousands of pages online for inspiration, read magazines, etc. — so I am much more involved in planning and execution than he is. I usually wait out the sulking phase, and more often than not, he eventually admits that my solution is more thought-through (well, I’ve probably put in several hours while he’s dealing with it for the first time).
As I said, some things are his playground. A lot is technical—so when I read here about LAN sockets and how many, etc., I can’t really contribute, he takes care of it. And I assume it will be fine. Sometimes it takes a lot of effort on my part to hold back when I realize he’s just letting it slide. I’m different; I would research until I know exactly what I want. For example, we considered installing a bus system—which he should decide. I would have immediately started researching in relevant forums, diving deep. But he eventually decided, somewhat intuitively, that it’s too expensive for the benefit. So, we don’t have it now. We’ll see if we ever regret that.
I simply have to watch my resources, which is why I firmly refuse to dive into those technical details. I’m exhausted. Besides, that would only lead to more arguments because I’d want to bring in my (researched) knowledge, and he would be annoyed that I’m messing in his territory. So I leave it alone—it’s better for the relationship.
Overall, though, it often happens that we independently come to the same decisions. Just today, for example: we still had to decide on the color of the spotlights in the bathroom. I knew what I liked and passed the request from our lighting store on to him and asked, “What do you want?” He arrived at the same conclusion. It was the same with the flooring, etc.
However, if it were about having a club emblem as paving stones, I probably wouldn’t keep my composure as well as Maria did; I’d be firmly against it.
So far, we have managed the house build without any major crises, and hopefully, we’ll keep it that way for the last two months.
It is possible to build a house without conflicts. We didn’t even have arguments or serious discussions from the planning stage until now, one year after moving in.
No personal work was done until moving in.
The financing was nowhere near the limit. The budget was tight but set with enough leeway. That was our red line that would not be crossed.
Compromises were necessary with the fittings, but we know ourselves well and understand what is feasible.
No personal work was done until moving in.
The financing was nowhere near the limit. The budget was tight but set with enough leeway. That was our red line that would not be crossed.
Compromises were necessary with the fittings, but we know ourselves well and understand what is feasible.
I always have to explore everything, check out options, google, compare prices, and so on. I’m very passionate about it, often doing this in the evening with my tablet in front of the TV. My husband doesn’t really notice when it comes to things like lighting, a new table, or now new garden loungers. He’s quite indifferent, just approves, and I’m happy. However, I’m also aware of my own limits...
tumaa schrieb:
Organization = me
Appearance = her or bothThis was also our experience (we renovated and partially refurbished an older building). My husband took care of the organization and did a great job. He managed to arrange all the necessary and about 90% good tradespeople in a very short time. Not a given nowadays, especially since we were under time pressure (owner move-in notice :-( ). I tried to let him handle things as much as possible, even though I was quite anxious about moving into a shell building with two small children, but he did a fantastic job. I am still very impressed.
We made the aesthetic decisions together, and since we have a similar taste and a similar approach to financial planning, we usually reached agreement quite quickly.
Nevertheless, it was a very challenging time, and as a couple, you really have to be careful to stay a team. Communication between each other and trust in your partner’s abilities are, in my opinion, very important to get through a renovation or new build phase successfully.
The payer decides.
If both pay, then both decide.
If there is no agreement, then nothing happens. Wait until a decision is made. Then you just live with a gravel driveway... Better than spending 30,000 (for something) that the other partner doesn’t like at all and that person has to deal with every time they drive onto the driveway for years.
Time will tell.
Period.
If both pay, then both decide.
If there is no agreement, then nothing happens. Wait until a decision is made. Then you just live with a gravel driveway... Better than spending 30,000 (for something) that the other partner doesn’t like at all and that person has to deal with every time they drive onto the driveway for years.
Time will tell.
Period.
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