Last night we visited friends, and of course, during the evening conversations over red wine, the topic eventually turned to our upcoming house construction (specifically the building of our prefabricated house in September). Our friends built their house back in 2015/2016 and already warned us about how stressful the construction phase can be for a relationship or marriage. They shared numerous examples from their new housing development, where tensions between partners remained quite high for a long time, dampening the enjoyment of the new home. For instance, one couple still hasn’t agreed on what kind of paving to have in front of their house, so nothing has been done yet, and the area is still just covered in gravel. For others, the design of the terrace seems to be dispute number one... I’d rather not know what else causes arguments inside the house.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Farilo schrieb:
You’re all right, in my opinion.
A house is a joint project, and both parties should have equal say in decisions.
But if one party doesn’t take responsibility for part of the partnership, they can’t make demands regarding that part.
You all always assume the couple has been together for 50 years, the man earns 200k, the woman has four kids and previously had a high-paying head physician job...
There are other kinds of partnerships.
For example, one where the two have known each other for 2-3 years and are planning a shared future, but SHE inherited 500k and HE is a DJ who has gigs on weekends. Now they want to move into a house, and HE wants a man cave, a sauna, a foosball table in the hallway, a "workroom" for his DJ equipment, and the living room in dark wood style.
According to you, she’s supposed to sit down with him and find compromises... Yeah, right... You’re such good people with such great characters.
I’d like to see how understanding and compromising you really are if your daughter came up with a plan like that when she’s of marriageable age...
But here in the forum, acting understanding and willing to compromise goes down well. You’re all just much better people than I am.
With that said... have fun paying it off. This only supports my point that she’s building the house for herself, which is fine given the situation. The partner is just a side note to avoid being alone, which is also completely legitimate.
Will he be paying rent in the future, or will he be expected to "work off" the rent?
It is still about a shared effort.
I have been with my wife for almost 5 years and we have been married for nearly two years. She is a civil servant and I am retired. This creates an even bigger gap than in your example. The house is registered under my name (so it is secured and everything is contractually arranged), but it will also be her and our shared home. She should contribute, feel comfortable, and see herself reflected in it.
All ideas and wishes are discussed. A rejection never happens because I am paying, but because it is recognized that the idea is not practical, too expensive, unsuitable, etc.
I have been with my wife for almost 5 years and we have been married for nearly two years. She is a civil servant and I am retired. This creates an even bigger gap than in your example. The house is registered under my name (so it is secured and everything is contractually arranged), but it will also be her and our shared home. She should contribute, feel comfortable, and see herself reflected in it.
All ideas and wishes are discussed. A rejection never happens because I am paying, but because it is recognized that the idea is not practical, too expensive, unsuitable, etc.
Farilo schrieb:
You’re all right, in my opinion.
Building a house is a joint project, and both parties should have equal say in decisions.
However, if one party doesn’t take responsibility for part of the partnership, they can’t make demands regarding that part.
You always assume the couple has been together for 50 years, the man earns $200k, the woman has four children, and previously held a high-paying hospital chief position...
There are other kinds of partnerships.
For example, a couple who have known each other for 2 to 3 years and are planning a future together, but SHE just inherited $500k and HE is a DJ who occasionally has a gig on weekends. Now they want to move into a house, and HE wants a man cave, sauna, foosball table in the hallway, a "studio" for his DJ gear, and a living room with dark wood finishes.
In your opinion, she should now sit down and compromise with him... Yeah, right... You’re such good people with such wonderful characters.
I would like to see how understanding and willing to compromise you really are if your daughter came up with such a plan at marriageable age...
But acting understanding and willing to compromise here in the forum goes down well. You’re obviously all much better people than I am.
With that said... have fun paying off the mortgage. Very judgmental – just the use of the term “good people” is telling.
Those who throw around polemics and artificially simplify situations probably shouldn’t take everything so personally in the end, and especially shouldn’t come up with such provocative hypothetical scenarios.
But isn’t the fundamental question here actually about the state of the relationship? SHE is a wealthy heiress, HE is an unsuccessful artist – when HE then makes demands and essentially designs the entire house to fit HIS dream without consulting his wife, something is wrong. Not just with the planning, but with the relationship itself.
There are so many small and larger decisions in everyday life – how do couples like this handle them? Going out to eat – does the partner with more money decide where to go and what to eat? Vacation – does the partner with more money decide the destination? Shopping – does the partner with more money decide what to buy and eat? No way!
That said – forgive me for this – I still believe in common sense. Especially when both partners have very different incomes – even without children. For example: the partner with less money can’t realistically expect to decide on a luxury vacation if the partner who earns more prefers hiking in the mountains. Something is off. And it’s not because one of them wants to spend money they would never earn from their work, but more on an interpersonal level. Why does one want a luxury vacation, while the other prefers something simple and quiet? Do their ideas really align—not just regarding vacations but also about life, progress, and happiness? Don’t they communicate throughout the year, when preferences like vacation choices naturally come up? Or are they just two people living with or next to each other because circumstances led them there, and now they merely tolerate each other?
There are so many small and larger decisions in everyday life – how do couples like this handle them? Going out to eat – does the partner with more money decide where to go and what to eat? Vacation – does the partner with more money decide the destination? Shopping – does the partner with more money decide what to buy and eat? No way!
That said – forgive me for this – I still believe in common sense. Especially when both partners have very different incomes – even without children. For example: the partner with less money can’t realistically expect to decide on a luxury vacation if the partner who earns more prefers hiking in the mountains. Something is off. And it’s not because one of them wants to spend money they would never earn from their work, but more on an interpersonal level. Why does one want a luxury vacation, while the other prefers something simple and quiet? Do their ideas really align—not just regarding vacations but also about life, progress, and happiness? Don’t they communicate throughout the year, when preferences like vacation choices naturally come up? Or are they just two people living with or next to each other because circumstances led them there, and now they merely tolerate each other?
H
hampshire4 May 2019 11:38Our approach to disagreements is actually quite simple. We do it like this: 1. We speak openly and listen to each other. 2. We take the time needed to resolve the issue. 3. We are fundamentally willing to compromise. 4. We try to separate factual disagreements from the relationship level. 5. When in doubt, we accept our partner’s decision, even if we would have made a different one ourselves. 6. We stick to agreements. 7. We allow each other to be as we are in the moment and accept inconsistency, mood swings, enthusiasm, fear, etc. as part of the whole person we love. 8. We don’t take ourselves too seriously (without denying ourselves).
This has worked quite well for 30 years, and we are building for the second time. Disagreements still occur, but their impact is never dramatic. Sometimes you can simply leave a difference of opinion as it is.
This has worked quite well for 30 years, and we are building for the second time. Disagreements still occur, but their impact is never dramatic. Sometimes you can simply leave a difference of opinion as it is.
Jean-Marc schrieb:
My question is, how did you handle disagreements?Hi Jean-Marc,
right after we made the joint decision to build a house, we argued a lot about everything and nothing—house size, color, architectural style, etc. At that point, we didn’t even have a plot yet! As soon as we found and bought the plot in summer 2016, we agreed on the following: she would decide everything inside the house, down to the last detail. I would take care of everything outside. That was it. Since then, we honestly haven’t argued even once. We moved in in August 2018 and still get along well. Next week we are going on vacation for the first time since then. We’re definitely looking forward to it, but we’re also happy to come back.