Last night we visited friends, and of course, during the evening conversations over red wine, the topic eventually turned to our upcoming house construction (specifically the building of our prefabricated house in September). Our friends built their house back in 2015/2016 and already warned us about how stressful the construction phase can be for a relationship or marriage. They shared numerous examples from their new housing development, where tensions between partners remained quite high for a long time, dampening the enjoyment of the new home. For instance, one couple still hasn’t agreed on what kind of paving to have in front of their house, so nothing has been done yet, and the area is still just covered in gravel. For others, the design of the terrace seems to be dispute number one... I’d rather not know what else causes arguments inside the house.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
B
Buchweizen9 May 2019 13:06chand1986 schrieb:
We don’t have children or the need to keep space for "back-up."
Both earn similar incomes.
We maintain a shared account for all fixed expenses, funded evenly by standing orders from both of us.
For household spending money, we each contribute 50/50 every month.
And that’s it. If we want to order something, it’s often: “I’m in the mood for this or that today, it’s on me.” Same goes for dining out. We have similar views on vacations as well: somewhat overrated.
The shopping and return sprees that sometimes happen here leave me relaxed.
Problems? No. We do exactly the same, except that we both like to travel and are happy to spend more on that sometimes. But even then, it’s split 50/50. Why not? We earn similar incomes and don’t have children.
Also, for me, something as basic as having a personal account is part of independence. I met my partner in his 30s. So, for years, everything worked fine individually. Why merge everything now?
Even couples with children in our circle of friends have kept their own accounts. Maybe it’s an age thing. In my parents’ generation, many couples have just one joint account. But in those cases, the women either didn’t work or worked significantly less throughout their lives. Around me, women go back to work no later than two years after childbirth.
Well, buckwheat, then we’re out of the ordinary – we now have a joint account and find it convenient. However, I don’t want to convince anyone; if someone wants separate accounts, they should have them. What annoys me is that some people here judge the partnership based on their account setup – that’s nonsense.
Everyone as they wish – there are pros and cons for everything.
Everyone as they wish – there are pros and cons for everything.
C
chand19869 May 2019 14:27I see it the same way as Climbee.
Relationships work in the long term through shared interests, common values, and similar attitudes—not through joint bank accounts.
In our case, the added benefit is that one of the differences lies in consumption habits (although calling it spender vs. miser would be an exaggeration).
A joint account makes the most sense when one partner gives up earning opportunities because they are involved at home (typically childcare).
Interestingly, I know a couple personally where he does not do any paid work, and she earns well and funds the joint account. The background: After his grandmother passed away, she left him and his siblings an old 1950s house, in need of renovation but in a great location with a large plot of land. The couple bought out the siblings who didn’t want the “property” with their equity.
He has been renovating the house entirely by himself for over 18 months, occasionally doing short internships with tradespeople. Underfloor heating, beautiful flooring, mechanical ventilation, new electrical and plumbing systems, and a small-scale KNX smart home system. He even carpents all the non-upholstered furniture himself. They live on the constantly changing construction site since the foundations were laid. Certainly, his work has created value in the six-figure range, but without her income, there would be no liquidity (and no health insurance!).
Perfect teamwork and a joint account, even though his contribution to the household income is zero. From an accounting perspective, she pays for his work on the house. But neither of them sees it that way—they’re really cool people.
A completely different model than ours and also unlike traditional models. But it works because of their shared goals. The joint account is simply the most practical way to organize things here, not a core aspect of the relationship. That’s the point I wanted to illustrate with this story.
Relationships work in the long term through shared interests, common values, and similar attitudes—not through joint bank accounts.
In our case, the added benefit is that one of the differences lies in consumption habits (although calling it spender vs. miser would be an exaggeration).
A joint account makes the most sense when one partner gives up earning opportunities because they are involved at home (typically childcare).
Interestingly, I know a couple personally where he does not do any paid work, and she earns well and funds the joint account. The background: After his grandmother passed away, she left him and his siblings an old 1950s house, in need of renovation but in a great location with a large plot of land. The couple bought out the siblings who didn’t want the “property” with their equity.
He has been renovating the house entirely by himself for over 18 months, occasionally doing short internships with tradespeople. Underfloor heating, beautiful flooring, mechanical ventilation, new electrical and plumbing systems, and a small-scale KNX smart home system. He even carpents all the non-upholstered furniture himself. They live on the constantly changing construction site since the foundations were laid. Certainly, his work has created value in the six-figure range, but without her income, there would be no liquidity (and no health insurance!).
Perfect teamwork and a joint account, even though his contribution to the household income is zero. From an accounting perspective, she pays for his work on the house. But neither of them sees it that way—they’re really cool people.
A completely different model than ours and also unlike traditional models. But it works because of their shared goals. The joint account is simply the most practical way to organize things here, not a core aspect of the relationship. That’s the point I wanted to illustrate with this story.
chand1986 schrieb:
I agree with Climbee.
Relationships work long-term based on shared interests, common values, and similar attitudes—not on joint bank accounts.
In our case, the added benefit is that one of the differences lies in spending habits (though calling it spendthrift vs. miser would be an exaggeration).
A joint account makes the most sense when one partner foregoes income opportunities because they focus on home responsibilities (typically childcare).
Interestingly, I know a couple who fit this exactly: he doesn’t do any paid work while she earns well and funds their joint account. Background: His grandmother left him and his siblings an old 1950s house that needs renovation but is in a great location with a large plot of land. They used their own equity to buy out the siblings who didn’t want the “property.”
He has been renovating the house single-handedly for over 18 months, occasionally doing short internships with master craftsmen. Underfloor heating, beautiful flooring, mechanical ventilation, new electrical and plumbing systems, and small-scale KNX smart home automation. He even makes all the non-upholstered furniture himself. They live on the constantly changing construction site since the foundations were laid. His efforts have certainly created value in the six-figure range, but none of it would be possible without her income (and no health insurance!).
Perfect teamwork and a joint account, even though his contribution to the household income is zero. On paper, she effectively pays him for his work on the house. But neither of them sees it that way—they’re really cool people.
A completely different model than ours or traditional ones. It works because of shared goals; the joint account is simply the most practical way to organize finances here, not the core of their relationship. That’s the point I wanted to illustrate with this story. Well, I just hope they stay together...
I know a similar situation in my circle of acquaintances... The house was never finished, after years he moved to Thailand, and she has to pay him alimony.
C
chand19869 May 2019 21:38The house is finished. The kitchen still needs to be built by ourselves as custom cabinetry.
The only external trade involved were the plasterers. Even the staircase was self-built. It's quite a nerdy project.
The only external trade involved were the plasterers. Even the staircase was self-built. It's quite a nerdy project.
Jean-Marc schrieb:
Nowadays, when starting a household, it is common to open a joint household account to which both partners contribute monthly, and all expenses are paid from this account. Tax refunds and utility reimbursements, cash gifts, etc., are of course also deposited there. I’ve also noticed that many handle it that way as a matter of course. Often with a tax class distribution of V/III as well. Not the smartest choice for those who agree to that.
I don’t care whether accounts are kept separate or combined, but if you separate them, do it properly — fairly splitting tax refunds or additional payments is anything but trivial.
We went through the stages of a joint household account and then a joint main account plus a separate allowance account for each, arriving at a single joint account. However, we maintain detailed budgeting, and each of us has a private allowance category within it. This works well for us. All the money coming in belongs to both of us, and we allocate it together (of course except for cash gifts explicitly given to one of us).