Last night we visited friends, and of course, during the evening conversations over red wine, the topic eventually turned to our upcoming house construction (specifically the building of our prefabricated house in September). Our friends built their house back in 2015/2016 and already warned us about how stressful the construction phase can be for a relationship or marriage. They shared numerous examples from their new housing development, where tensions between partners remained quite high for a long time, dampening the enjoyment of the new home. For instance, one couple still hasn’t agreed on what kind of paving to have in front of their house, so nothing has been done yet, and the area is still just covered in gravel. For others, the design of the terrace seems to be dispute number one... I’d rather not know what else causes arguments inside the house.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Farilo schrieb:
I believe there should definitely be gratitude, humility, and certainly a greater willingness to compromise from the partner who does not contribute financially (for whatever reasons).Oh, so I’m supposed to keep quiet because I spend every day entertaining OUR child, cooking, putting them to bed, bathing them, while also managing OUR household (of course including laundry, dirty dishes, etc. caused by my husband), so that he has time to work full-time, while I "contribute nothing"? I could never be with a man who thinks like that, let alone married to him.
H
hampshire4 May 2019 23:43Farilo schrieb:
I believe there should definitely be gratitude, humility, and also a greater willingness to compromise from the party that does not contribute financially (for whatever reasons). Lack of money can often lead to relationship problems because it creates needs. However, as long as there is enough money for living expenses, regardless of who provides it, it becomes less important. Keeping score rarely leads to satisfaction.
Yosan schrieb:
Oh... so I’m supposed to keep my mouth shut,No, you should kiss their feet – out of gratitude. And be very, very small. Quiet! Silent.
“And all my friends
Say that I am quieter
That I am quieter, quieter since I’ve been with you”
That’s called respect
Gratitude and humility don’t seem to be your thing, then? Interesting... I wouldn’t have expected that, since you all seem so kind and perfect...
... “kissing feet,” “shut up,” “keep quiet,” etc.
Looks like I hit a nerve.
When money is available, it really doesn’t have to be that important anymore. But first, it has to be there. Furthermore, one does not exclude the other. It’s entirely possible not to place too much importance on the money you have, while still being grateful and humble.
... “kissing feet,” “shut up,” “keep quiet,” etc.
Looks like I hit a nerve.
When money is available, it really doesn’t have to be that important anymore. But first, it has to be there. Furthermore, one does not exclude the other. It’s entirely possible not to place too much importance on the money you have, while still being grateful and humble.
H
HilfeHilfe5 May 2019 02:19Farilo schrieb:
I think you’re all right.
A house is a partnership project, and both parties should have equal say in decisions.
But if one party doesn’t take responsibility for part of the partnership, they can’t make demands regarding that part.
You always assume the couple has been together for 50 years, the man earns $200,000, the woman has four children and previously held a high-paying hospital director job...
There are other kinds of partnerships.
For example, one where the couple has known each other for 2–3 years and is planning their future together. SHE has inherited $500,000, and HE is a DJ who does gigs on weekends. Now they want to move into a house, and HE wants a man cave, sauna, foosball table in the hallway, a “workroom” for his DJ equipment, and a living room in dark wood design.
According to you, she should sit down with him and find compromises… Right, sure… You’re such good people with such great character.
I’d like to see how charitable and willing to compromise you really are if your daughter of marriageable age came up with a plan like that...
But acting understanding and willing to compromise here on the forum goes down well. You’re all way better people than I am.
With that… enjoy paying it off.As long as he takes care of the kids during the week, it’s okay.
Winniefred5 May 2019 07:50I can’t recall any disagreements during the renovation phase. We discussed everything briefly, agreed on the points, and where my husband didn’t have a preference, I made the decisions, and he just approved them. I stayed out of the electrical work; the only clear thing there was his set budget.
Some people in this forum are extremely perfectionistic and plan everything in incredible detail. I think that inevitably leads to more problems than we had. From purchase to move-in, we had only 7 months, did a lot of the work ourselves, and had a tight budget, plus two small children. We simply didn’t have the time, money, or patience to argue over tiles.
Some people in this forum are extremely perfectionistic and plan everything in incredible detail. I think that inevitably leads to more problems than we had. From purchase to move-in, we had only 7 months, did a lot of the work ourselves, and had a tight budget, plus two small children. We simply didn’t have the time, money, or patience to argue over tiles.