Last night we visited friends, and of course, during the evening conversations over red wine, the topic eventually turned to our upcoming house construction (specifically the building of our prefabricated house in September). Our friends built their house back in 2015/2016 and already warned us about how stressful the construction phase can be for a relationship or marriage. They shared numerous examples from their new housing development, where tensions between partners remained quite high for a long time, dampening the enjoyment of the new home. For instance, one couple still hasn’t agreed on what kind of paving to have in front of their house, so nothing has been done yet, and the area is still just covered in gravel. For others, the design of the terrace seems to be dispute number one... I’d rather not know what else causes arguments inside the house.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
If both partners see it this way and accept it, that’s fine.
Although I am in the financially stronger position, I consider this outdated and not very equitable. A house is something shared between both partners and their future. Therefore, in my opinion, decisions should be made jointly.
If the partner is only listened to but the payer’s opinion always prevails, that is not a real discussion, nor is it truly open to compromise.
I would even call it disrespectful and demeaning toward the financially weaker partner.
Fortunately, I have a balanced relationship and don’t have to bother trying to outdo the other person with money...
Although I am in the financially stronger position, I consider this outdated and not very equitable. A house is something shared between both partners and their future. Therefore, in my opinion, decisions should be made jointly.
If the partner is only listened to but the payer’s opinion always prevails, that is not a real discussion, nor is it truly open to compromise.
I would even call it disrespectful and demeaning toward the financially weaker partner.
Fortunately, I have a balanced relationship and don’t have to bother trying to outdo the other person with money...
Especially since a house is rarely paid for without a loan. And the person who is currently the (main) payer does not necessarily have to remain so until the end of the loan term, so would that mean, in hindsight, the payer should not have been allowed to make any decisions at all?!
In my view, building a house should always be a collaborative process, where decisions are made on an equal footing. Decision-making must, of course, take place independently of any "top-down" approach.
With some of the statements on this topic, I find myself questioning whether building a house is the right project here.
With some of the statements on this topic, I find myself questioning whether building a house is the right project here.
C
chand19864 May 2019 09:03Especially since the work required to support just one income (meaning only one payer) is often done by both partners. Childcare, household tasks, etc.
How to break this down can't really be calculated, so it makes sense to just split it 50/50.
I don’t understand why, if all decisions are shifted to one person, the house should even be built by two people ("together" is out of the question as a term anyway).
How to break this down can't really be calculated, so it makes sense to just split it 50/50.
I don’t understand why, if all decisions are shifted to one person, the house should even be built by two people ("together" is out of the question as a term anyway).
You are all right, in my opinion.
Building a house is a partnership project, and both parties should have equal say in decisions.
However, if one party does not take on part of the partnership, they cannot make demands regarding that part.
You always seem to assume that the couple has been together for 50 years, the man earns 200,000, and the woman has four children and previously held a high-paying hospital director position...
There are other types of partnerships.
For example, one where they have known each other for 2-3 years, are planning a future together at that moment, SHE has inherited 500,000, and HE is a DJ who occasionally has gigs on weekends. Now they want to move into a house, and HE wants a man cave, sauna, foosball table in the hallway, a "workroom" for his DJ equipment, and the living room in dark wood.
According to you, she should sit down with him and find compromises... Yeah, right... You are such good people with such great character.
I would really like to see how kind and willing to compromise you are if your daughter came up with a plan like this at marriageable age...
But pretending to be understanding and willing to compromise here in the forum goes down well. You all just seem to be much better people than I am.
With that said... enjoy paying off the mortgage.
Building a house is a partnership project, and both parties should have equal say in decisions.
However, if one party does not take on part of the partnership, they cannot make demands regarding that part.
You always seem to assume that the couple has been together for 50 years, the man earns 200,000, and the woman has four children and previously held a high-paying hospital director position...
There are other types of partnerships.
For example, one where they have known each other for 2-3 years, are planning a future together at that moment, SHE has inherited 500,000, and HE is a DJ who occasionally has gigs on weekends. Now they want to move into a house, and HE wants a man cave, sauna, foosball table in the hallway, a "workroom" for his DJ equipment, and the living room in dark wood.
According to you, she should sit down with him and find compromises... Yeah, right... You are such good people with such great character.
I would really like to see how kind and willing to compromise you are if your daughter came up with a plan like this at marriageable age...
But pretending to be understanding and willing to compromise here in the forum goes down well. You all just seem to be much better people than I am.
With that said... enjoy paying off the mortgage.
Farilo schrieb:
You think she should now sit down with him and find compromises... Yeah, right... You all are such good people with such wonderful characters.Anyone who says something like that really has it coming... You’re so amazing... yes, you are!
Character often reveals itself between the lines