Last night we visited friends, and of course, during the evening conversations over red wine, the topic eventually turned to our upcoming house construction (specifically the building of our prefabricated house in September). Our friends built their house back in 2015/2016 and already warned us about how stressful the construction phase can be for a relationship or marriage. They shared numerous examples from their new housing development, where tensions between partners remained quite high for a long time, dampening the enjoyment of the new home. For instance, one couple still hasn’t agreed on what kind of paving to have in front of their house, so nothing has been done yet, and the area is still just covered in gravel. For others, the design of the terrace seems to be dispute number one... I’d rather not know what else causes arguments inside the house.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
I completely agree with @chand1986; there is nothing to add.
The gratitude mentioned by @Farilo was connected to humility, which is why I related it more to a material level.
[USER=26092]@Müllerin, on the other hand, is grateful to her husband because he loves her as she is? To me, that feels like diminishing herself, as if she is not worthy. If she says she appreciates his tolerance of her quirks, that is on equal footing.
When I am grateful to someone, it is because I owe them something—that they have done more than I can repay. That is why I am very reluctant to feel gratitude.
chand1986 schrieb:
To be clear: I believe gratitude is an inadequate substitute for appreciation. These are two fundamentally different concepts. Gratitude is directed from a lower to a higher position. Appreciation is based on equality.
The gratitude mentioned by @Farilo was connected to humility, which is why I related it more to a material level.
[USER=26092]@Müllerin, on the other hand, is grateful to her husband because he loves her as she is? To me, that feels like diminishing herself, as if she is not worthy. If she says she appreciates his tolerance of her quirks, that is on equal footing.
When I am grateful to someone, it is because I owe them something—that they have done more than I can repay. That is why I am very reluctant to feel gratitude.
I think Chand describes it quite well: gratitude implies a "difference in status," while appreciation is on an equal footing. That’s probably why so many people here are upset about Farilo’s attitude (including me).
This also applies to the "religious" gratitude Nodlys mentions – it’s somewhat submissive: thank you for my outrageous luck (internally, I hear the add-on "even though I don’t necessarily deserve it"). I don’t see it like that in every case – gratitude for having healthy children, for example – of course, you don’t have much influence there; that’s truly a merciful fate. The nice woman? Well, Nordlys, you must have been nice too for her to take a liking to you – in that case, mutual appreciation is more important to me; knowing what you have in each other. Nothing comes from nothing – same here!
What I absolutely cannot accept is demanding gratitude and the right to make decisions alone based on financial superiority. That doesn’t fit my idea of a partnership at all. Especially if the other partner contributes through childcare, housekeeping, caregiving, etc., but does not receive financial compensation for it. And even if one partner simply has more money and brings it in, that doesn’t automatically mean they get the final say. To me, that’s counterproductive for a partnership. We are building OUR house, and we find a decision TOGETHER – sometimes one of us compromises, sometimes the other. It has nothing to do with who has the money.
This is NOT related to how ownership is arranged (which is only relevant in case of separation).
However, if someone likes a partnership in the form of a sugar daddy – he supports his “doll,” and she is grateful for his generosity, thus willing to adapt – well, then gratitude might work out (and to be gender-neutral: of course, it can also work the other way around).
I don’t want that; I want an equal partner and decisions made on an equal footing – even if that sometimes means longer discussions. We have always found consensus. And if that wasn’t the case, if you’re arguing over every little thing and no agreement is in sight, I would seriously reconsider the partnership.
But I would never ever tell my husband: listen, I have the money here, so shut up and accept my decisions and be grateful for it!
This also applies to the "religious" gratitude Nodlys mentions – it’s somewhat submissive: thank you for my outrageous luck (internally, I hear the add-on "even though I don’t necessarily deserve it"). I don’t see it like that in every case – gratitude for having healthy children, for example – of course, you don’t have much influence there; that’s truly a merciful fate. The nice woman? Well, Nordlys, you must have been nice too for her to take a liking to you – in that case, mutual appreciation is more important to me; knowing what you have in each other. Nothing comes from nothing – same here!
What I absolutely cannot accept is demanding gratitude and the right to make decisions alone based on financial superiority. That doesn’t fit my idea of a partnership at all. Especially if the other partner contributes through childcare, housekeeping, caregiving, etc., but does not receive financial compensation for it. And even if one partner simply has more money and brings it in, that doesn’t automatically mean they get the final say. To me, that’s counterproductive for a partnership. We are building OUR house, and we find a decision TOGETHER – sometimes one of us compromises, sometimes the other. It has nothing to do with who has the money.
This is NOT related to how ownership is arranged (which is only relevant in case of separation).
However, if someone likes a partnership in the form of a sugar daddy – he supports his “doll,” and she is grateful for his generosity, thus willing to adapt – well, then gratitude might work out (and to be gender-neutral: of course, it can also work the other way around).
I don’t want that; I want an equal partner and decisions made on an equal footing – even if that sometimes means longer discussions. We have always found consensus. And if that wasn’t the case, if you’re arguing over every little thing and no agreement is in sight, I would seriously reconsider the partnership.
But I would never ever tell my husband: listen, I have the money here, so shut up and accept my decisions and be grateful for it!
H
HilfeHilfe7 May 2019 11:28The final settlement always happens once the children have left the house. That usually brings a big emptiness. This is when the question arises which model works better: those who shared everything openly or two individuals with separate accounts and so on. I believe the latter group will fight bitterly over what is theirs and mine, if a separation occurs. The couples described here, each with separate accounts, seem to have huge egos, and their partners have huge egos too. I have an ego as well, but I love my family. Nothing is put aside or hidden.