Last night we visited friends, and of course, during the evening conversations over red wine, the topic eventually turned to our upcoming house construction (specifically the building of our prefabricated house in September). Our friends built their house back in 2015/2016 and already warned us about how stressful the construction phase can be for a relationship or marriage. They shared numerous examples from their new housing development, where tensions between partners remained quite high for a long time, dampening the enjoyment of the new home. For instance, one couple still hasn’t agreed on what kind of paving to have in front of their house, so nothing has been done yet, and the area is still just covered in gravel. For others, the design of the terrace seems to be dispute number one... I’d rather not know what else causes arguments inside the house.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
ypg schrieb:
You demand gratitude and modesty. That’s how it reads. If you interpret it that way, that is your choice.
I do not demand gratitude in a relationship. I consider it a given.
I would NOT want an ungrateful partner by my side.
If you can handle an ungrateful partner, however, I respect that.
Nordlys schrieb:
Happy wife, happy life. This is also a telling phrase because it reduces the woman to a Barbie doll, pacified with a convertible and a gold chain so she will willingly... Your view of women is disrespectful. Karsten Hello Karsten,
your interpretation says a lot about you. To interpret what I said the way you do requires a considerable amount of ignorance. However, I do not assume that about you at all. So it remains a failed attempt to present yourself as someone who understands women. That, however, worked.
Personally, I do NOT live by the motto "Happy wife, happy life." My partner leads a very independent life. That is why we are together.
But hey... you are old enough and know what you are writing...
H
hampshire6 May 2019 13:29Farilo schrieb:
The “problem” is that there’s a certain group of people trying to convince others that they are better because they (supposedly) share absolutely everything with their partner and even try to present this as the “norm.” Just like a carport costing 30,000 or a front door for 15,000. If you don’t do or have that, you’re basically considered abnormal... You don’t seriously expect a representative cross-section of society here, do you?
How naive is that! No one is trying to convince you of anything here. If you find topics like “conflicts about the house” and “relationships ending badly” interesting, look for the corresponding forum. Even there, “normality” is not represented.
The Internet and forums are all just small bubbles.
If you look around the world, you will find very little “normality” in Central Europe at all. Here there is peace, little hunger, and time for problems that people who are less fortunate don’t have. With that in mind — simply having been lucky in the birth lottery — you can be grateful your whole life.
What does that have to do with our topic? My wife and I are aware of our very fortunate situation and simply don’t take the challenges of building a house seriously enough to argue about them.
Sometimes something gets more expensive. Sometimes you have to give something up. Sometimes a color or shape looks different than expected. Put this into a healthy perspective, and every argument, for example about money or execution, just becomes ridiculous.
And with laughter, you can achieve a lot. Most of the “crap,” as you often say, simply becomes irrelevant when you take a step back from a situation.
Farilo schrieb:
I don’t demand gratitude in a relationship. I take it for granted.I find that disturbing, sorry. I don’t take gratitude for granted in a relationship! For what reason? That I put up with the guy? That I have “sacrificed” myself??? That I spend my money on a house where my partner, being the financially weaker one, then has to live humbly but is not allowed to make any decisions? Hello???
Why should your partner be “grateful”? For being allowed to live by your side? How dignified!
For me, partnership is something mutual, a give and take — certainly sometimes with phases where one gives more and the other takes more. Knowing that other times will follow.
Maybe you just expressed yourself awkwardly — I hope so — but this talk of gratitude has no place in a stable, modern relationship.
C
chand19866 May 2019 14:25@Farilo
Please be more specific instead of vaguely throwing around clichés about paying for the music.
What exactly is allowed or not allowed in a relationship that suits you, for example when only one partner is working and the other is taking care of the shared children? Who should be grateful to whom in this situation?
And what exactly do you mean by gratitude? It reminds me of the many stories where the wealthy man who was left complains afterward that he gave everything for the relationship (meaning money, because he has no understanding of the more important aspects).
Maybe you are also using the term "gratitude" carelessly. Do you actually mean "mutual appreciation"? But that is something entirely different!
Gratitude is something I feel toward people who have helped me with an act that is not taken for granted. In a relationship, many things are taken for granted, so gratitude is not really appropriate—instead, appreciation is. The more natural mutual support is, the less gratitude applies and should be replaced by appreciation.
And if you approach this from the angle of "gratitude," it carries a whiff of quid pro quo, like knowing your place. And all that even "as a prerequisite"? Seriously?
Maybe you mean something completely different after all.
Please be more specific instead of vaguely throwing around clichés about paying for the music.
What exactly is allowed or not allowed in a relationship that suits you, for example when only one partner is working and the other is taking care of the shared children? Who should be grateful to whom in this situation?
And what exactly do you mean by gratitude? It reminds me of the many stories where the wealthy man who was left complains afterward that he gave everything for the relationship (meaning money, because he has no understanding of the more important aspects).
Maybe you are also using the term "gratitude" carelessly. Do you actually mean "mutual appreciation"? But that is something entirely different!
Gratitude is something I feel toward people who have helped me with an act that is not taken for granted. In a relationship, many things are taken for granted, so gratitude is not really appropriate—instead, appreciation is. The more natural mutual support is, the less gratitude applies and should be replaced by appreciation.
And if you approach this from the angle of "gratitude," it carries a whiff of quid pro quo, like knowing your place. And all that even "as a prerequisite"? Seriously?
Maybe you mean something completely different after all.