Last night we visited friends, and of course, during the evening conversations over red wine, the topic eventually turned to our upcoming house construction (specifically the building of our prefabricated house in September). Our friends built their house back in 2015/2016 and already warned us about how stressful the construction phase can be for a relationship or marriage. They shared numerous examples from their new housing development, where tensions between partners remained quite high for a long time, dampening the enjoyment of the new home. For instance, one couple still hasn’t agreed on what kind of paving to have in front of their house, so nothing has been done yet, and the area is still just covered in gravel. For others, the design of the terrace seems to be dispute number one... I’d rather not know what else causes arguments inside the house.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
H
hampshire7 May 2019 14:59I'm going to get some chips now, so I'm signing off for a while.
H
HilfeHilfe7 May 2019 16:36Climbee schrieb:
Sorry to be so direct, but: I have rarely read so much nonsense in just a few sentences.Now, now, no need to get rude, you egotists.H
HilfeHilfe7 May 2019 16:40chand1986 schrieb:
2.) @HilfeHilfe with his uninformed opinion
If after the children move out a void starts to grow in the relationship, it is due to too few shared interests and life plans that basically do not align. What exactly this has to do with managing bank accounts would need to be explained. I claim: Nothing! I stand by this = your and my approach to managing bank accounts disqualifies any marriage. It may have advantages for self-employed people but not for employees. Didn’t pay attention when getting married? Or what do you do when your partner is in need? Oh no, you have your own money after all.HilfeHilfe schrieb:
Stick to it = this way of managing your and my accounts disqualifies any marriage. It might have advantages for self-employed people but not for employees. Didn’t pay attention when getting married? Or what do you do if your partner is in need? Oh no, you have your own money anyway.I would like to see a statistic showing how many people think and live this way, including those in relationships (without children) who earn significantly more.I wouldn’t be surprised if this statistic is quite striking.
Note for the various misinterpreters in this forum: This post is not intended to express my opinion. I’m simply genuinely curious.
Altai schrieb:
@Müllerin is grateful to her husband because he loves her as she is? To me, that feels like belittling herself, as if she is not worthy. If she says she appreciates his tolerance toward her quirks, that is equal partnership.Well, you don’t really know me — I am definitely not belittling myself.
I believe gratitude has nothing to do with belittling, and I do not feel less valuable because I appreciate what I have in him AND, I will gladly repeat, I am thankful for it.
no idea who schrieb:
What I just can’t accept is demanding gratitude and the right to make unilateral decisions based on financial superiority. That simply doesn’t fit my idea of a partnership.I agree, I wouldn’t be grateful if he demanded that. That is something you feel voluntarily. And in the context here, it wasn’t meant that way at all.
It seems things got mixed up.
And regarding separate accounts = bad marriage, I’d rather not comment.
But I think these are fundamental principles that don’t need to be resolved here anyway. After all, this is a building forum, not a kitchen psychology session.
C
chand19867 May 2019 17:45HilfeHilfe schrieb:
I stick to this = your and my managing of the account disqualifies any marriage. It might have advantages for self-employed people but not for employees. Didn’t pay attention when getting married? Or what do you do if your partner is in trouble?? Oh no, you have your own money anyway. As I said, I don’t find this model objectionable for couples with dual incomes and don’t see any problems with it.
Regarding emergencies: of course, people help each other out. There are also mutual account authorizations for the worst case.
But: as long as there is personal money available under individual control, there is no emergency. And if there isn’t one, the model becomes irrelevant anyway.
You always implicitly assume that this necessarily leads to the financially stronger partner withholding something from the other, causing the relationship to break down. The idea that having separate income (and self-confidence), where each person still “has their own,” might not be seen as “withholding something” simply doesn’t fit your imagination. But that says more about you than about alternative lifestyles, sorry to say.