Last night we visited friends, and of course, during the evening conversations over red wine, the topic eventually turned to our upcoming house construction (specifically the building of our prefabricated house in September). Our friends built their house back in 2015/2016 and already warned us about how stressful the construction phase can be for a relationship or marriage. They shared numerous examples from their new housing development, where tensions between partners remained quite high for a long time, dampening the enjoyment of the new home. For instance, one couple still hasn’t agreed on what kind of paving to have in front of their house, so nothing has been done yet, and the area is still just covered in gravel. For others, the design of the terrace seems to be dispute number one... I’d rather not know what else causes arguments inside the house.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Regardless of whether accounts are separate or joint, the most important thing is that partners always treat each other as equals.
As mentioned several times in this discussion, a prenuptial agreement is also an option (which I definitely support). This is formally notarized once in a good partnership and then simply put aside. Problem solved.
What I really don’t understand, especially among friends, are partnerships where even the smallest purchases, for example at the supermarket, are meticulously calculated to make sure no one pays 50 cents more than the other... That’s completely unnecessary.
Best regards
As mentioned several times in this discussion, a prenuptial agreement is also an option (which I definitely support). This is formally notarized once in a good partnership and then simply put aside. Problem solved.
What I really don’t understand, especially among friends, are partnerships where even the smallest purchases, for example at the supermarket, are meticulously calculated to make sure no one pays 50 cents more than the other... That’s completely unnecessary.
Best regards
I have been wondering about the discussion here for quite some time. We are all building or already own a house, so none of us are struggling financially. Everyone who is passionately commenting here surely earns enough that money shouldn’t be a concern for everyday living in the current situation, assuming a sensible budget was made. For example, each of us has a salary account (that's it) and we had a savings rate of €2,000 to €1,000 (approximately $2,200 to $1,100). After moving in, it will be €1,000 to €1,000 (approximately $1,100 to $1,100), despite the differences in our incomes. How the money is then spent will, as always, be decided together. I don’t care who pays or spends more. What use is all the cash in the account and the house if the wife leaves because a) she doesn’t feel comfortable in the house due to lack of involvement in decisions, and b) she can’t buy anything because she runs out of money? Exactly nothing. And yes, I always politely ask if I can buy an iPhone for €1,200 (about $1,300) with my money. Even if the answer is often no, that’s the right way, because we live together and despite separate accounts, it’s our money.
HilfeHilfe schrieb:
Who gets to decide on the vacation? The higher earner with the fat bank account who wants to book the Maldives. And the lower earner? Are they supposed to save up for it? Hm You really don’t get it – or you just don’t want to. Doesn’t matter.
I’m talking about PARTNERSHIP – not just two individuals living together by chance. Do you really think that in a partnership one person says: hey, I’m going to the Maldives – what, you don’t have enough money? Tough luck, have a staycation – see you in two weeks!
But apparently, that’s the extent of your perspective...
I’m just joining the discussion now, so maybe I missed something, but I’m curious about the Maldives part...
If one person earns a lot more because they chose to give their soul to the company and work 50+ hours, while the other prefers a quieter life, enjoys themselves, and works less...
How do you manage all that fairly?
The wealthy person wants to splurge and take a fully all-inclusive two-week trip to the Maldives, while the other doesn’t really care that much but wants to go on vacation together—does the wealthy person then pay for the vacation? Or does the poorer one have to save up for the trip?
If you have joint accounts with such income differences, is everyone allowed to spend as much as they want until the money runs out? Would the poorer person then get a €1200 (about $1300) phone they couldn’t normally afford?
Does it make a difference if the couple is married or not? Whether the lower income is by choice or not? Whether the “poorer” partner manages the household so the “richer” partner can work more?
Honestly, I don’t have an answer to this either, and my friends all handle it differently.
If one person earns a lot more because they chose to give their soul to the company and work 50+ hours, while the other prefers a quieter life, enjoys themselves, and works less...
How do you manage all that fairly?
The wealthy person wants to splurge and take a fully all-inclusive two-week trip to the Maldives, while the other doesn’t really care that much but wants to go on vacation together—does the wealthy person then pay for the vacation? Or does the poorer one have to save up for the trip?
If you have joint accounts with such income differences, is everyone allowed to spend as much as they want until the money runs out? Would the poorer person then get a €1200 (about $1300) phone they couldn’t normally afford?
Does it make a difference if the couple is married or not? Whether the lower income is by choice or not? Whether the “poorer” partner manages the household so the “richer” partner can work more?
Honestly, I don’t have an answer to this either, and my friends all handle it differently.
H
HilfeHilfe8 May 2019 11:04Climbee schrieb:
You really don’t get it – or you don’t want to. Doesn’t matter.
I’m talking about PARTNERSHIP – not just two individuals living together by chance. Do you really think that in a partnership one person says: “Hey, I’m going to the Maldives” – and when the other says they don’t have enough money, they just say: “Tough luck, you’ll vacation on the balcony – see you in two weeks!”
But apparently, that’s your perspective… No, I just don’t understand how people manage this with two bank accounts. Also, what happens if you have kids and one partner has to reduce their working hours and earns less? Does that partner get compensation? Which tax class does who have? 4/4? How do you handle cars, if one has an A6 and the other a Fiat Punto? Maybe you can explain it to me. Sounds like a lot of administration.
Oh, what twisted thoughts:
The usual case is probably that, whether there is one or two accounts, both plan their vacation days and notify the company, possibly taking the children’s school holidays into account. Then there will be a main vacation that the couple or family has together, and they will discuss together what they want. We, not I. And the vacation will then be paid from the joint account or from the account with more available funds. But joint is easier. One less coordination step.
The usual case is probably that, whether there is one or two accounts, both plan their vacation days and notify the company, possibly taking the children’s school holidays into account. Then there will be a main vacation that the couple or family has together, and they will discuss together what they want. We, not I. And the vacation will then be paid from the joint account or from the account with more available funds. But joint is easier. One less coordination step.