Last night we visited friends, and of course, during the evening conversations over red wine, the topic eventually turned to our upcoming house construction (specifically the building of our prefabricated house in September). Our friends built their house back in 2015/2016 and already warned us about how stressful the construction phase can be for a relationship or marriage. They shared numerous examples from their new housing development, where tensions between partners remained quite high for a long time, dampening the enjoyment of the new home. For instance, one couple still hasn’t agreed on what kind of paving to have in front of their house, so nothing has been done yet, and the area is still just covered in gravel. For others, the design of the terrace seems to be dispute number one... I’d rather not know what else causes arguments inside the house.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
The scenarios mentioned here seem quite far-fetched to me – hey, we’re talking about people who somehow fit well together. The career-driven person and the dropout type – well – that probably works out long before the question of managing the bank account even comes up.
For us, it’s like with Chand: no children, dual income.
At the beginning of our relationship, I earned significantly more. Vacation: I gave him a trip as a birthday gift back then – he wouldn’t have been able to afford that vacation (a diving trip in East Asia). I wanted to go on the trip, and specifically with him, and also convince him to try diving. It worked. Sure, I paid for it, but what would have been the alternative? I wanted to take the vacation with him, not alone, and I wanted to show him the beauty of the underwater world that fascinated me so much. We had an amazing vacation; I never regretted a single dollar spent – well-invested money – and, by the way, I didn’t expect any submissive gratitude either. As Alex Huber, the extreme climber, says: you create a few beautiful, colorful pages in the book of life. Can money be invested better?
Over time, he started earning more and our income and expenses gradually balanced out. For joint purchases, we simply combined money from our respective private accounts – for everyday spending, we had our household account. That worked really well.
Now, as I said, we have a joint account, so we both immediately see what’s left and what’s not. We are both equally into spending money, each has their quirks. I spend a bit more on shoes *ahem*, he on some kind of technical gadgets. We earn well and can afford our little indulgences. But we both also know where to set limits. If my husband hadn’t been like that, I wouldn’t have built a house with him.
The joint account has reduced some organizational effort for us – which we found convenient. When one of us withdraws money, they ask the other if they need anything, so sometimes more is withdrawn at once. If one runs out of money, the other lends a fifty-dollar bill without expecting repayment (which we used to do with separate accounts).
If one suddenly goes on a spending spree, the other will ask what’s going on. Believe it or not: we communicate!
But we already did that with separate accounts too.
We now buy cars together, yet one is more “mine” and the other more “his.” We share the costs. Since I’m still taking the train, the next car will be something very small – I don’t need more for the ride to the station. And that’s even though I still earn more!
We are a couple, now married – WE are a couple, not him and me separately. The account doesn’t matter in that.
For the hopefully never-to-happen case of separation, we will take precautions with a marriage contract and for the event of death with a will, and we hope the first never and the latter not for a long time to come.
For us, it’s like with Chand: no children, dual income.
At the beginning of our relationship, I earned significantly more. Vacation: I gave him a trip as a birthday gift back then – he wouldn’t have been able to afford that vacation (a diving trip in East Asia). I wanted to go on the trip, and specifically with him, and also convince him to try diving. It worked. Sure, I paid for it, but what would have been the alternative? I wanted to take the vacation with him, not alone, and I wanted to show him the beauty of the underwater world that fascinated me so much. We had an amazing vacation; I never regretted a single dollar spent – well-invested money – and, by the way, I didn’t expect any submissive gratitude either. As Alex Huber, the extreme climber, says: you create a few beautiful, colorful pages in the book of life. Can money be invested better?
Over time, he started earning more and our income and expenses gradually balanced out. For joint purchases, we simply combined money from our respective private accounts – for everyday spending, we had our household account. That worked really well.
Now, as I said, we have a joint account, so we both immediately see what’s left and what’s not. We are both equally into spending money, each has their quirks. I spend a bit more on shoes *ahem*, he on some kind of technical gadgets. We earn well and can afford our little indulgences. But we both also know where to set limits. If my husband hadn’t been like that, I wouldn’t have built a house with him.
The joint account has reduced some organizational effort for us – which we found convenient. When one of us withdraws money, they ask the other if they need anything, so sometimes more is withdrawn at once. If one runs out of money, the other lends a fifty-dollar bill without expecting repayment (which we used to do with separate accounts).
If one suddenly goes on a spending spree, the other will ask what’s going on. Believe it or not: we communicate!
But we already did that with separate accounts too.
We now buy cars together, yet one is more “mine” and the other more “his.” We share the costs. Since I’m still taking the train, the next car will be something very small – I don’t need more for the ride to the station. And that’s even though I still earn more!
We are a couple, now married – WE are a couple, not him and me separately. The account doesn’t matter in that.
For the hopefully never-to-happen case of separation, we will take precautions with a marriage contract and for the event of death with a will, and we hope the first never and the latter not for a long time to come.
Climbee, you don’t need a contract. But you should create a will. If you don’t have children, a simple handwritten will, like the basic Berlin template, is sufficient. You can find forms for it online. Write it by hand, sign it, and include the place, date, and the phrase "Our last will" above your signature. K.
chand1986 schrieb:
Are you aware that a couple with such a dynamic has no long-term future?
A career-driven person with a need for recognition and a confident minimalist who is content with little—this combination doesn’t work. It has nothing to do with the number of bank accounts.
It plays out just as Karsten describes. The number of accounts doesn’t matter. You talk and come to an agreement. And if one person is the type who always wants to vacation in the Maldives and the other prefers the Bavarian Forest, either they travel separately or break up altogether—if travel is a priority in life, having shared preferences is a foundation for the relationship. Someone who wants to fly to exotic places every year (and spends half the time at the hotel, which is hard to believe) would be ruled out for me. Some discussions are simply off the table. It’s interesting to see how you interpret this. It really says a lot about your current mindset. (I don’t mean this in a negative way!)
A need for recognition from someone who has chosen to dedicate their soul to the company.
Maybe that’s true... but maybe not.
Maybe they do it because they are tired of standing still financially and want to allow themselves some things in life...
For example: supplementary health insurance/private insurance, a bike that fits because they are very tall, a car that fits their long frame, a home where they feel comfortable because they grew up in a 2.5-room apartment with five people, saving separately for retirement, and so on.
This is often not possible with a standard job delivering standard work.
A clerk with a secondary school diploma who works 9 to 5 without overtime in an industry not known for high salaries (e.g., retail or freight logistics) simply can’t manage the things mentioned above without really pushing hard!
Calling these needs a “need for recognition” isn’t quite accurate in my opinion.
At the same time, you call the confident minimalist... maybe they are confident. Maybe the person just lacks perspective and has accepted their situation. Maybe they were lucky enough to inherit money and are just very lazy.
No one really knows.
So jumping to extremes and then predicting “it will never last” is unnecessary...
Either way... everything will be fine.
C
chand19868 May 2019 17:21Dear Farilo,
There was talk about someone who wants to "really go all out" on a trip to the Maldives because the money from working over 50 hours a week just has to be spent.
To me—purely subjectively—this sounds like someone who defines themselves by what they can afford. The big house, the expensive vacation, as proof of success in the daily grind. That is a need for recognition. I know almost everyone who has been on vacation tells you in detail where they went, what they saw, and that you simply have to treat yourself to that. And they get offended if you’re not interested. At the same time, they often invest a lot at home to meet all their needs perfectly and to make it really comfortable. Then, in their precious free time, they spend even more money to avoid actually enjoying that comfort. That’s really something you need to work hard for.
Those who think more like I do (that this is pretty silly, though a person’s will is their heaven) are not suitable life partners for these consumption-driven people. That’s just how it is, and both sides can live with that.
However, minor differences can be excellently bridged by having separate bank accounts.
There was talk about someone who wants to "really go all out" on a trip to the Maldives because the money from working over 50 hours a week just has to be spent.
To me—purely subjectively—this sounds like someone who defines themselves by what they can afford. The big house, the expensive vacation, as proof of success in the daily grind. That is a need for recognition. I know almost everyone who has been on vacation tells you in detail where they went, what they saw, and that you simply have to treat yourself to that. And they get offended if you’re not interested. At the same time, they often invest a lot at home to meet all their needs perfectly and to make it really comfortable. Then, in their precious free time, they spend even more money to avoid actually enjoying that comfort. That’s really something you need to work hard for.
Those who think more like I do (that this is pretty silly, though a person’s will is their heaven) are not suitable life partners for these consumption-driven people. That’s just how it is, and both sides can live with that.
However, minor differences can be excellently bridged by having separate bank accounts.
Climbee schrieb:
Alright, I paid for it, but what else could I have done? I wanted to go on vacation with him, not alone, and I wanted to show him the beauty of the underwater world that fascinates me so much. We had an amazing trip, never regretted a single dollar spent – well-invested money – and, by the way, I never expected any submissive gratitude. As Alex Huber, the extreme climber, says: you create a few beautiful, colorful pages in the book of life. Can money be invested better? Climbee schrieb:
Believe it or not: we communicate! Climbee schrieb:
We are a couple, now married – WE are a couple, not him and me. Well written!
By the way, I personally know this Maldives situation...
And I don’t find anything wrong with it at all... In this case, the man from the Maldives pays for the vacation because the other person could never afford it... and now continuing to criticize just because the other is unfortunately a kindergarten teacher and doesn’t earn much is also unfair...
That’s no reason to separate right away...
But I’ve always wondered how it would work if the poorer partner was just lazier...
And I don’t find anything wrong with it at all... In this case, the man from the Maldives pays for the vacation because the other person could never afford it... and now continuing to criticize just because the other is unfortunately a kindergarten teacher and doesn’t earn much is also unfair...
That’s no reason to separate right away...
But I’ve always wondered how it would work if the poorer partner was just lazier...
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