Last night we visited friends, and of course, during the evening conversations over red wine, the topic eventually turned to our upcoming house construction (specifically the building of our prefabricated house in September). Our friends built their house back in 2015/2016 and already warned us about how stressful the construction phase can be for a relationship or marriage. They shared numerous examples from their new housing development, where tensions between partners remained quite high for a long time, dampening the enjoyment of the new home. For instance, one couple still hasn’t agreed on what kind of paving to have in front of their house, so nothing has been done yet, and the area is still just covered in gravel. For others, the design of the terrace seems to be dispute number one... I’d rather not know what else causes arguments inside the house.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Nordlys schrieb:
Live within your means, don’t spend more than you have. That’s right. It’s not popular in the leasing world, but it’s the correct approach. Agreed. This also applies to the income levels of both partners, which can change significantly over the course of living together; you never know beforehand.
When we met, we had no money and were happy. Today we do have money and are still happy. Hardly any differences compared to back then except: We sleep more peacefully.
Nordlys schrieb:
We’ve had very little debt in life. Never consumer debt. Same here, that’s the most relaxed way to live. No pressure... @Farilo, your gratitude story completely misses the point of “having a say” in the matter.
This is about nest-building in partnerships.
How you treat your partner doesn’t really matter here. In your case, these disagreements wouldn’t even exist because you have a different type of partnership.
This is about equal partners trying to find common ground.
And yes, equality also means giving each person the same say in different roles within the partnership (one brings home the money, the other looks after the children, or however it is arranged). Because one can’t do without the other! If one person doesn’t care or the other has better taste, then the partnership tries to accommodate that and reach an agreement.
The “give and take” or “contributing something to the partnership” is not just about earning money and paying bills, but also about caring, nurturing, and much more. In most relationships and partnerships, these efforts balance each other out. One can’t do without the other... Otherwise there would be an imbalance. And yes, of course: that’s when gratitude comes into play...
However, in this thread it’s about the already existing right to have a say, not about the question of whether partners who contribute relatively little at all should have such a right.
Other topics can be discussed elsewhere, but here it’s clearly about this issue, as mentioned above.
berny schrieb:
If that was supposed to be ironic: pretty unsuccessful (my assessment). The original question was: How did you resolve disagreements?
This is about nest-building in partnerships.
How you treat your partner doesn’t really matter here. In your case, these disagreements wouldn’t even exist because you have a different type of partnership.
This is about equal partners trying to find common ground.
And yes, equality also means giving each person the same say in different roles within the partnership (one brings home the money, the other looks after the children, or however it is arranged). Because one can’t do without the other! If one person doesn’t care or the other has better taste, then the partnership tries to accommodate that and reach an agreement.
The “give and take” or “contributing something to the partnership” is not just about earning money and paying bills, but also about caring, nurturing, and much more. In most relationships and partnerships, these efforts balance each other out. One can’t do without the other... Otherwise there would be an imbalance. And yes, of course: that’s when gratitude comes into play...
However, in this thread it’s about the already existing right to have a say, not about the question of whether partners who contribute relatively little at all should have such a right.
Other topics can be discussed elsewhere, but here it’s clearly about this issue, as mentioned above.
@Farilo that’s not always the case. At least not for us.
I agree that a partner shouldn’t always make demands. But expressing wishes is legitimate. Even if those wishes are not granted, it shouldn’t be done with the argument “I earn the money, period.”
Your wording was a bit awkward if that’s what you meant.
I agree that a partner shouldn’t always make demands. But expressing wishes is legitimate. Even if those wishes are not granted, it shouldn’t be done with the argument “I earn the money, period.”
Your wording was a bit awkward if that’s what you meant.
rick2018 schrieb:
@Farilo Even in a community property arrangement, assets owned before marriage are protected in case of separation. The same applies to inheritances. These are automatically excluded.Hi Rick,
The only "problem" is that there is a certain group of people trying to convince others that they are better because they (supposedly) share absolutely everything with their partner and want to present that as the "norm." Just like the carport costing 30,000 or the front door costing 15,000. If you don’t do or have that, you’re practically abnormal...
rick2018 schrieb:
Additionally, you can secure it through a prenuptial agreement and so on.
It’s more about partnership. And it isn't really partnership if I always pull the “money card” to overrule the other.
For us, everything was clearly arranged before marriage. Ideally, you never have to look at those documents again. If things go wrong, everything is fixed and based on mutual understanding.
I’m a supporter of clear agreements. But these shouldn’t be one-sided (for example, if there is a joint desire for children, the wife stays at home and takes care of upbringing and household… enabling the husband to work full-time, etc.). Such things should be considered, not just who earns how much each month.You see? That’s exactly how it is for me as well. Only that I don’t (at least not yet) use a prenuptial agreement for this, but rather a certain philosophy or set of values established in advance, so this problem doesn’t even arise.
People who have to pull the money card to get their way have it tough... Wrong or incompatible partner? One never knows...
For me, it has always been clear: If you want to dance, you have to pay the band/music. You can’t avoid paying and still pick every song forever...
ypg schrieb:
@Farilo, your story about gratitude really misses the point about having a say.Having a say comes with being involved. Expressing wishes is fine. It can even be enjoyable for your partner to fulfill them.
However, demanding wishes is not. It’s that simple.
If you handle it differently, that’s great... for your partner.
You all live by the principle: happy wife, happy life.
That’s fine. For those who need that...
Farilo schrieb:
Participation is linked to involvement.It seems that your "partner" is not engaged in the relationship.
Farilo schrieb:
Demanding wishes is not acceptable. It's that simple.You are asking for gratitude and humility, that's how it reads.
Farilo schrieb:
That's fine. Those who need it...Well, gratitude and humility have little to do with money.
A person can be grateful even if they are cared for or protected by someone else without being able to give something of equal value in return.
Someone who is humble can also be wealthy. For example, some here have saved their house budget...