Last night we visited friends, and of course, during the evening conversations over red wine, the topic eventually turned to our upcoming house construction (specifically the building of our prefabricated house in September). Our friends built their house back in 2015/2016 and already warned us about how stressful the construction phase can be for a relationship or marriage. They shared numerous examples from their new housing development, where tensions between partners remained quite high for a long time, dampening the enjoyment of the new home. For instance, one couple still hasn’t agreed on what kind of paving to have in front of their house, so nothing has been done yet, and the area is still just covered in gravel. For others, the design of the terrace seems to be dispute number one... I’d rather not know what else causes arguments inside the house.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
rick2018 schrieb:
I am a supporter of clear regulations. However, these should not be one-sided (for example, mutual desire for children, the woman staying at home taking care of upbringing, household duties... enabling the man to work full-time, etc.). Such factors should be taken into account and not just who earns how much money monthly.Well said, that's exactly right!rick2018 schrieb:
@Farilo I think the issue wasn’t about establishing clear financial arrangements in a relationship, but rather that the financially stronger partner automatically always has the decision-making power.Hi Rick2018,Of course, I understood that... But that’s just how it is. You can be upset about it all you want. It’s unfortunate, yes. But it is what it is.
There are things that upset me as well, but that’s life. Just because something makes you angry doesn’t mean it’s wrong.
We don’t need to discuss that the financially stronger partner doesn’t bring up this fact every day.
But it is certainly worth discussing that the financially weaker partner could occasionally show some gratitude and humility.
It doesn’t have to mean making a sandwich every day as a thank you, or dressing only in a bedsheet out of modesty.
Rather, sometimes just stepping back a bit. Even if the pink wallpaper in the living room has always been a dream, you could keep that wish to yourself sometimes instead of reminding the financially stronger partner about it once a week.
There is no need to explain over and over how great the vacuum robot for $3,000 is, or the front door for $15,000, or the gray aluminum/wood window for $5,000, or whatever else.
You can also simply thank your partner sincerely for what already exists. It doesn’t hurt at all.
All I see here on the forum are demands: better, higher, further, faster, more, more, more—and if you don’t have that, you are considered “below” someone.
I feel sorry for some people who quietly read along here and might take this to heart.
But everything will be okay.
berny schrieb:
If this was meant to be ironic: Quite unsuccessful (my assessment). The original question was: How have you resolved disagreements? Money was not mentioned at all in the beginning. By the way, there are more people like Nordlys: We have had all accounts, portfolios, safe deposit boxes, and finally even the house shared for ages. It has been working very well for over 30 years; we don’t even think about it. And disagreements over details: Those probably happen everywhere and always, otherwise you would be living completely alone on an island...Hello Bernd,And what exactly are you trying to tell me with your post? Because in principle, you are confirming what I said...
Zaba12 schrieb:
I find it surprising that there are few to no threads here about recent separations and how the house is handled. I don’t even want to know how many of the former contributors no longer have their homes.That doesn’t happen here. Check out legal advice forums or all those women/family forums (urbia, gofeminin, rund-ums-Baby, etc.). You read things there that make you wonder why they ever built a house and started a family together in the first place.
It’s both sad and fascinating how things really go behind some sleek new build facades...
Farilo: In my opinion, you are mixing two different topics. Gratitude sounds like "submissiveness" to you. You might have experiences where a partner only demands but doesn’t contribute anything, wants everything immediately... There are these self-centered people.
The other topic is holding back and not spending more than you have. That’s correct. It may be outdated in today’s leasing culture, but it is right.
From my life experience: through children and career, I soon earned more than she did, clearly more. Still, we managed to stay united because we understood it that way and because we were always in agreement never to spend more than what was available. We had little debt in life. Never any consumer debt. Karsten
The other topic is holding back and not spending more than you have. That’s correct. It may be outdated in today’s leasing culture, but it is right.
From my life experience: through children and career, I soon earned more than she did, clearly more. Still, we managed to stay united because we understood it that way and because we were always in agreement never to spend more than what was available. We had little debt in life. Never any consumer debt. Karsten
Farilo schrieb:
Of course, we don’t need to discuss the fact that the financially stronger party doesn’t bring this up every day.
However, it is definitely worth discussing that the financially weaker party could, as an exception, show some gratitude and modesty once in a while.Sorry, but reading this gives me chills.I do agree with your other points that the “financially weaker” person shouldn’t constantly demand the most expensive gimmicks, but phrased like this... no way!!
Karsten put it very well.