Last night we visited friends, and of course, during the evening conversations over red wine, the topic eventually turned to our upcoming house construction (specifically the building of our prefabricated house in September). Our friends built their house back in 2015/2016 and already warned us about how stressful the construction phase can be for a relationship or marriage. They shared numerous examples from their new housing development, where tensions between partners remained quite high for a long time, dampening the enjoyment of the new home. For instance, one couple still hasn’t agreed on what kind of paving to have in front of their house, so nothing has been done yet, and the area is still just covered in gravel. For others, the design of the terrace seems to be dispute number one... I’d rather not know what else causes arguments inside the house.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
B
boxandroof6 May 2019 08:06Maybe I am naive, but despite very different incomes, we do not create any disadvantage or advantage for either party as a result.
However, we still need to visit the notary to prepare for death and illness.
However, we still need to visit the notary to prepare for death and illness.
H
HilfeHilfe6 May 2019 08:13Climbee schrieb:
I can now express that in percentages – but I’m still not sure if we’ll go through with it. It’s a bit like looking into a crystal ball – he is quite a bit younger than me and will probably earn significantly more over the years, while my increase will be moderate. We’re still discussing this with the notary; we’re certainly not the only ones in this situation, and they will surely have a practical solution.
In any case, we will record and evaluate the ownership shares at the current point in time. For anything acquired together during the marriage, I can accept an equal-sharing arrangement. So, your wife is allowed to have children, earn less, and then face disadvantages in retirement??
I am the woman, and the topic of children is no longer relevant for us – I am 52. We don’t need to take that into account.
This is not about pension entitlements but about acquired rights. My advice to all women is: don’t stay stuck in the “childcare trap” forever – always think about your retirement. However, this does not directly relate to owning a house. I can grow old peacefully with my husband; I own half of our shared home. But since I stopped working in my early thirties because of the children and never returned to full-time work, my pension will be modest. That is independent of the house.
And I do believe that whatever and however much each partner brings into the marriage remains with that person in case of separation. I am not a lawyer, but to my knowledge, this is also the general principle in community property or matrimonial property regimes: everything acquired during the marriage belongs equally to both partners, while what existed beforehand stays with the original owner.
This is not about pension entitlements but about acquired rights. My advice to all women is: don’t stay stuck in the “childcare trap” forever – always think about your retirement. However, this does not directly relate to owning a house. I can grow old peacefully with my husband; I own half of our shared home. But since I stopped working in my early thirties because of the children and never returned to full-time work, my pension will be modest. That is independent of the house.
And I do believe that whatever and however much each partner brings into the marriage remains with that person in case of separation. I am not a lawyer, but to my knowledge, this is also the general principle in community property or matrimonial property regimes: everything acquired during the marriage belongs equally to both partners, while what existed beforehand stays with the original owner.
Oh man, when I read some of the opinions here, I can hardly keep a straight face... And right now, I'm just glad that I'm building my own house!
In my previous long-term relationship, each partner had their own financial obligations that only concerned themselves. In my case, an expensive hobby; in his case, a child to support and, of course, HIS house. That was the reason our finances remained separate.
We shared common expenses (groceries, costs for the children we had together, holidays), but otherwise, each of us managed our own money. I paid for my own clothes, my hobby, my lunch at the cafeteria, and my car. At times, I also paid rent since we lived in his house (with reduced or no rent during my part-time work due to childcare).
For example, he put every penny into repaying his loan. If we had pooled everything together indiscriminately, that would have affected all leftover money I had. At that point, I would have definitely opposed it— it was his house, we weren’t married... in case of separation, I would have ended up with nothing.
Anyone who, as one member here wrote, "starts with nothing" going into marriage might combine everything easily, but if each partner has a financial history that has consequences, then it calls for a different approach and may lead to a different solution.
In my previous long-term relationship, each partner had their own financial obligations that only concerned themselves. In my case, an expensive hobby; in his case, a child to support and, of course, HIS house. That was the reason our finances remained separate.
We shared common expenses (groceries, costs for the children we had together, holidays), but otherwise, each of us managed our own money. I paid for my own clothes, my hobby, my lunch at the cafeteria, and my car. At times, I also paid rent since we lived in his house (with reduced or no rent during my part-time work due to childcare).
For example, he put every penny into repaying his loan. If we had pooled everything together indiscriminately, that would have affected all leftover money I had. At that point, I would have definitely opposed it— it was his house, we weren’t married... in case of separation, I would have ended up with nothing.
Anyone who, as one member here wrote, "starts with nothing" going into marriage might combine everything easily, but if each partner has a financial history that has consequences, then it calls for a different approach and may lead to a different solution.
boxandroof schrieb:
Maybe I’m being naive, but despite very different incomes, we don’t create any disadvantage or advantage for either of us because of that.
We still need to visit the notary to prepare for death and illness. A Berlin will is sufficient. No need for a notary. It’s a waste of money.
Regarding Climbee and the child trap:
Of course, from your perspective, my wife would be in that situation. But these are not just her children, they are ours, whom she has conceived, carried, and given birth to based on biological facts. Knowing this, we have naturally considered how things would be if I died first or if we separated. Separation: To her benefit, there was a substantial life insurance policy, which we have now invested in the house, because if we still get along well now, that likely won’t change in later years. If she dies before me: that seems more likely, as I am older, a man, and therefore have a lower life expectancy. In addition to her own pension, she then receives 60% of my pension and one Riester pension, so she would have a paid-off house and just under 3,000 euros per month (approximately $3,200). That should be manageable. Carsten
Zaba12 schrieb:
When going through a separation, the joint bank account is the least of the issues. I actually find it surprising that there are few to no threads here discussing recent separations and how to handle the house. I don’t even want to know how many of the former posters no longer have their place. Well... When people in this forum endlessly talk about how fair, sensitive, accommodating, and free of ownership claims they are, and condemn anyone who has a prenuptial agreement or separate accounts, it gets hard to admit that although a lot went according to plan, that plan was rubbish.
In my opinion, the “classic” joint bank account is becoming increasingly rare. Women are more independent than in the 1950s and rightly want to be or feel independent and build a career. Once that is the case, they naturally start thinking about where THEIR money goes. And rightly so!
Sure, many women (and men) here in the forum are so wired that their salary belongs 100% to their partner, they don’t watch the money, and the shared approach is sacred—everything together is great and “fair.” If someone thinks differently, they supposedly don’t love their partner or are in the wrong relationship. But outside this forum, there are other women too, especially younger ones.
I would love to read about how many people here from the forum have lost their house because of a divorce or separation, and especially whether they would still do it the same way or rather opt for a prenuptial agreement, separate accounts, or something else.
That would be interesting!
In real life, I keep hearing from men who say they would never marry again and if they did, only with a very clear prenuptial agreement.
In real life, I also sometimes hear from women who made a financial “windfall” through divorce, and other women congratulate them for it.
But I strongly assume that I am the absolute exception, living in a really bad environment, and that I only know absolutely bad people…