Last night we visited friends, and of course, during the evening conversations over red wine, the topic eventually turned to our upcoming house construction (specifically the building of our prefabricated house in September). Our friends built their house back in 2015/2016 and already warned us about how stressful the construction phase can be for a relationship or marriage. They shared numerous examples from their new housing development, where tensions between partners remained quite high for a long time, dampening the enjoyment of the new home. For instance, one couple still hasn’t agreed on what kind of paving to have in front of their house, so nothing has been done yet, and the area is still just covered in gravel. For others, the design of the terrace seems to be dispute number one... I’d rather not know what else causes arguments inside the house.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Farilo schrieb:
Gratitude and humility are apparently not your thing? Interesting... I wouldn’t have expected that, since you all seem so kind and perfect... Gratitude is appropriate on both sides in the situation involving my husband and me! I don’t see why I should be more grateful and humble toward him because he brings in the money, than he should be toward me for taking care of the child (by the way, he actually wanted children more than I did) and managing the household, while also supporting his leisure activities. For you, it seems that receiving money is simply the measure of contribution… but that’s not the case (see, for example, the low pay in caregiving), and even if that were true, a loving partner would still allow the “weaker link” the chance to include their own wishes in the house building process... You would expect that one would want their partner to feel just as comfortable in the shared home as oneself.
That’s all I have to say on the matter.
A house is a home for a family or a couple. Everyone has to feel comfortable there. The decision is made together. If the budget doesn’t allow for a 60cm x 60cm (24 inches x 24 inches) layout, then that’s how it is.
Having a say is not the same as being registered on the land title.
Raising children and loss of income are separate issues.
My husband and I have known each other since we were 18. Who earns more has changed many times over the years.
As long as you are together, everything is shared. What matters is the clarification in case of separation.
Having a say is not the same as being registered on the land title.
Raising children and loss of income are separate issues.
My husband and I have known each other since we were 18. Who earns more has changed many times over the years.
As long as you are together, everything is shared. What matters is the clarification in case of separation.
H
hampshire5 May 2019 09:13Farilo schrieb:
So gratitude and humility aren’t really your thing? Gratitude and humility are two important virtues. Anyone who demands gratitude in a relationship because they value their own contribution more than their partner’s—whether financially or in any other way—is setting out on a difficult path for that partnership.
Winniefred schrieb:
We had neither the time nor the money nor the inclination to argue over tiles. Here, “no time” finally shows its productive side.
An inclination to argue is a new concept to me. What a cruel kind of inspiration.
Winniefred5 May 2019 11:39hampshire schrieb:
You mention two important virtues with the terms gratitude and humility.
Anyone who demands gratitude in a relationship because they value their contribution more than their partner’s—whether financially or in any other way—is setting out on a difficult path for the partnership.
Here, "no time" finally shows its productive side.
A muse for arguing is a new concept to me. What a mischievous source of inspiration. Haha, yes, that’s roughly how it was. But more in the sense that, with a full-time job (husband), two small children, a dog, and my studies plus a part-time job, we simply didn’t have much energy left to think about anything else. I had taken a leave semester because otherwise, I would have had to work on my master’s thesis at the same time, and I was literally on the construction site for at least six hours every day—demolishing, carrying debris, plastering, and so on. That was all fine and even enjoyable, but no one really wanted to spend more energy thinking about grout colors or the white shades of the tiles or deciding between five different white baseboards.
hampshire schrieb:
By mentioning gratitude and humility, you name two important virtues.
Anyone who demands gratitude in a partnership because they value their own contribution more than that of their partner—whether financially or in any other way—has chosen a difficult path for the relationship.When searching for/choosing a partner, these virtues were definitely a must-have. So, in the search/selection process, if you will, I actually did (passively) expect them. (You get to know the person and see whether it fits or not.)
Since my partner shares the same values as I do, the question of any demand doesn’t even arise.
We are individuals with shared, but also many individual wishes and dreams. Many of these individual dreams can only be fulfilled alone.
I would be disgusted if my partner always wanted, liked, or did the exact same things as I do. I want a partner, not a copy of myself.
But it seems many here think differently... To each their own.
[A house is a home for a family or a couple. Everyone has to feel comfortable there. The decision is made together. If the budget does not allow for a 60cm x 60cm (24in x 24in) layout, then that’s how it is.
Having a say is not the same as being registered in the land registry.
Raising children and loss of income is a different matter.
My husband and I have known each other since we were 18. Who earns more money has changed many times over the years.
As long as you are together, everything goes into one pot. The important thing is to clarify things in case of separation.]
Many things expressed here resonate with me, while I consider other statements to be inappropriate in character. Marriage is a community of accrued gains. We started in 1983 with a red Renault R4, patched metal panels with polyester, some cheap furniture, a rental apartment, and 1200 Deutsche Mark each (approx. 600 USD). Everything we acquired, built, and earned in the following years is ours. We never had separate accounts, always one account. One. We always filed our income tax jointly using the splitting method; yours and mine become one. And never was the phrase said, “But that’s actually my money…” Such power games have no place in marriage and kill all love, replacing it with dependency. Karsten
Having a say is not the same as being registered in the land registry.
Raising children and loss of income is a different matter.
My husband and I have known each other since we were 18. Who earns more money has changed many times over the years.
As long as you are together, everything goes into one pot. The important thing is to clarify things in case of separation.]
Many things expressed here resonate with me, while I consider other statements to be inappropriate in character. Marriage is a community of accrued gains. We started in 1983 with a red Renault R4, patched metal panels with polyester, some cheap furniture, a rental apartment, and 1200 Deutsche Mark each (approx. 600 USD). Everything we acquired, built, and earned in the following years is ours. We never had separate accounts, always one account. One. We always filed our income tax jointly using the splitting method; yours and mine become one. And never was the phrase said, “But that’s actually my money…” Such power games have no place in marriage and kill all love, replacing it with dependency. Karsten