Last night we visited friends, and of course, during the evening conversations over red wine, the topic eventually turned to our upcoming house construction (specifically the building of our prefabricated house in September). Our friends built their house back in 2015/2016 and already warned us about how stressful the construction phase can be for a relationship or marriage. They shared numerous examples from their new housing development, where tensions between partners remained quite high for a long time, dampening the enjoyment of the new home. For instance, one couple still hasn’t agreed on what kind of paving to have in front of their house, so nothing has been done yet, and the area is still just covered in gravel. For others, the design of the terrace seems to be dispute number one... I’d rather not know what else causes arguments inside the house.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
Our prefabricated house sales consultant mentioned that even during the two-day selection appointment, there have been loud arguments, and he had to act as an unintentional mediator.
My wife tends to stay in the background and leaves many planning decisions up to me. However, when it comes to shapes, color schemes, and so on, she can be very assertive. We agree on the general aspects, but of course, we haven’t discussed all the finer details inside and outside yet.
So my question is: how have you handled disagreements?
Does one of you give in?
Do you negotiate a compromise?
Do you balance things out elsewhere?
Do you leave it to chance?
I would be pleased to read a bit about this delicate topic, which is rarely discussed openly... after all, we’re among friends here.
H
HilfeHilfe6 May 2019 02:23Nordlys schrieb:
Many of the things said here resonate deeply with me, while I consider some other comments to be completely out of line in character.
Marriage is a community of accrued gains. We started in 1983 with a red Renault R4, patched-up sheet metal with polyester, some cheap furniture, a rental apartment, and 1200 marks each from me and her. Everything we have acquired, built, and earned over the years belongs to both of us. We never had separate bank accounts, always one single account. One. We always filed our income taxes jointly according to the splitting method; yours and mine make one. And we never said, "But that is actually my money..." Power plays like that have no place in marriage and destroy any love, replacing it with dependence. Karsten This fits the XYZ YouTube influencer generation: separate bank accounts, transfer payments during part-time work with a child, fixed agreements about when and how intimacy should happen in order to decide who gets to choose the wallpaper.
Nowadays, when starting a household, it is common to open a separate joint household account to which both partners contribute monthly, and all expenses are paid from this account. Tax refunds, utility reimbursements, cash gifts, and similar income are also deposited there. This prevents disputes. Additionally, I can buy birthday and Christmas presents without the other person knowing. Honestly, I wouldn’t want to constantly see various charges from online shops like Zalando, Douglas, and others.
As long as everything works smoothly with one account, that’s great. But if a separation occurs, it usually becomes complicated, and official authorities will review who contributed what and earned what.
As long as everything works smoothly with one account, that’s great. But if a separation occurs, it usually becomes complicated, and official authorities will review who contributed what and earned what.
When separating, the joint bank account is the least of the problems. I actually find it surprising that there are few to no threads here dealing with recent separations and how to handle the house. I don’t even want to know how many of the former contributors have lost their homes.
I also think that the joint account is the least of the problems in case of a separation.
Until recently, we also used a joint household account, but at some point, we found it too frustrating. Since the end of last year, we have had a joint account, which I find much less stressful.
We will explicitly regulate ownership rights through a prenuptial agreement and will in the will. I contributed significantly more equity and also earn more – this will be reflected in how we handle the house and other assets in the event of a separation.
However, I would never think, “Listen, I earn more and have paid more for the house, so we’re going with the flooring I want, whether you like it or not, because the one who pays calls the shots.”
How ridiculous is that?
If I were like that, I would build MY own house alone, and if the partner is kind, nice, and well-behaved enough, they could move in and kiss my feet every day out of gratitude.
We are building OUR house, and it is essential to me that my partner also sees themselves reflected in it, even if they have financially contributed significantly less – and I’d rather have my feet massaged than kissed (although there’s a clear lack in that area – from him, not me *g*).
Until recently, we also used a joint household account, but at some point, we found it too frustrating. Since the end of last year, we have had a joint account, which I find much less stressful.
We will explicitly regulate ownership rights through a prenuptial agreement and will in the will. I contributed significantly more equity and also earn more – this will be reflected in how we handle the house and other assets in the event of a separation.
However, I would never think, “Listen, I earn more and have paid more for the house, so we’re going with the flooring I want, whether you like it or not, because the one who pays calls the shots.”
How ridiculous is that?
If I were like that, I would build MY own house alone, and if the partner is kind, nice, and well-behaved enough, they could move in and kiss my feet every day out of gratitude.
We are building OUR house, and it is essential to me that my partner also sees themselves reflected in it, even if they have financially contributed significantly less – and I’d rather have my feet massaged than kissed (although there’s a clear lack in that area – from him, not me *g*).
B
boxandroof6 May 2019 07:52Climbee schrieb:
We will explicitly address existing assets through a prenuptial agreement and a will. I have contributed significantly more equity and also earn more – this will be reflected in how we handle the house and other assets in case of separation.
However, I would never think of saying: listen, I earn more How do you evaluate the additional income earned during the marriage?
I can now express that as a percentage – but I’m not sure if we will proceed with it. It’s a bit of a crystal ball situation – he is quite a bit younger than me and will likely earn significantly more over the years, whereas my income increase will be moderate. We’re still discussing this with the notary; we’re certainly not the only ones facing this situation, and the notary will surely have a suitable solution.
In any case, we will record and assess the ownership shares as they stand now. For anything acquired jointly during the marriage, I can also accept an equal ownership arrangement.
In any case, we will record and assess the ownership shares as they stand now. For anything acquired jointly during the marriage, I can also accept an equal ownership arrangement.