Hello,
I’m not sure if this is the right section for this thread, but I couldn’t find a more suitable one.
I often read here about couples planning and building their house before having children. As a result, the children’s rooms are planned more or less optimistically.
That was also the case for us when we bought our house. At the time, we thought it would be quick and easy to fill the three children’s rooms. A few years later, we have to accept that we will probably never have biological children. Since adoption was an option for us from the start, we are still hopeful that we will have children eventually. The process has already cost us a lot, and there will be more costs to come; in the end, we will probably have spent a mid five-figure amount.
Because of these difficult experiences, I would like to advise every original poster who is building before having children that having children can take longer and be more expensive than planned. But of course, I don’t want to always be the downer. Unfulfilled desire to have children affects about one in ten couples, depending on how you look at it.
What do you think? Am I being too negative? Has anyone else had a similar experience?
I’m not sure if this is the right section for this thread, but I couldn’t find a more suitable one.
I often read here about couples planning and building their house before having children. As a result, the children’s rooms are planned more or less optimistically.
That was also the case for us when we bought our house. At the time, we thought it would be quick and easy to fill the three children’s rooms. A few years later, we have to accept that we will probably never have biological children. Since adoption was an option for us from the start, we are still hopeful that we will have children eventually. The process has already cost us a lot, and there will be more costs to come; in the end, we will probably have spent a mid five-figure amount.
Because of these difficult experiences, I would like to advise every original poster who is building before having children that having children can take longer and be more expensive than planned. But of course, I don’t want to always be the downer. Unfulfilled desire to have children affects about one in ten couples, depending on how you look at it.
What do you think? Am I being too negative? Has anyone else had a similar experience?
wurmwichtel schrieb:
That is exactly where the mistaken assumption lies!
Where do you get the certainty that a woman can become pregnant immediately after stopping the pill?
Where do you get the certainty that the child will be born healthy?
Where do you get the certainty that the child will develop according to the usual average?
Such questions could be extended indefinitely.I would like to clarify this because that is not what I mean by "planning security." For me, it means the foundation on which you can start a family with the necessary confidence. In practical terms: completed education, both partners with permanent contracts, a sufficient income, and last but not least, a strong inner conviction that you are ready for such a commitment. For some, this is already the case in their early twenties; for us, it was only in our early to mid-thirties, and for others even later. Everything else—such as early pregnancy, the child’s health, and development—is indeed difficult to influence and has to be accepted as it comes.
My wife’s and my life paths have been rather unstable (studies, long-distance relationship, job changes, fixed-term contracts, an employer bankruptcy, knee surgery, etc.). In short, it is only recently that we have been in a position to clearly focus on issues like having children or building a house. I firmly believe that with the often high professional demands nowadays, one should not have too many unresolved issues at the same time if one wants to maintain physical and mental health. And so, the decision is clear: first the house, then family planning.
We are very familiar with the local discussions through relatives and friends, and it is almost always the same: those who were taken on permanently right after their education and quickly landed prestigious jobs in large companies naturally start by the latest in their late twenties and cannot understand how someone at 31 or 32 can still be trying to stabilize their life. But it does happen.
Jean-Marc schrieb:
Those who were hired directly after their training and quickly got top positions in their large companies usually start at the latest by their late twenties However, your perspective is also influenced by your personal attitude. When we decided to try having a child, the situation was that my husband had just finished his legal clerkship but was only employed there for another six months, and I was still working on my master’s thesis. So there were no permanent jobs back then… and still none today… but we didn’t want to wait “just because” until we were over 30. If necessary, we would have managed with several part-time jobs or similar.
In my opinion, you at least need to have some kind of desire for children, a feeling that you would like to have a child. Until recently, I didn’t have that at all. It was more like "nice, but even nicer if you can hand the crying child back."
What good is it if everything is right in your mid-twenties, but you don’t have that inner need?
What good is it if everything is right in your mid-twenties, but you don’t have that inner need?
Yosan schrieb:
Your perspective also depends somewhat on your mindset. When we decided to try having a child, the situation was that my husband had just finished his teaching internship but still had only six months left on his contract, and I was still working on my master's thesis. So there were no permanent jobs… not even now… but we didn’t want to wait “just because” until we were over 30. If necessary, we would have managed with several part-time jobs or similar.I have great respect for such courage. I genuinely mean that. However, for us, that wouldn’t work. When we were looking for a new apartment, we visited several homes with young families during our viewing tour, and I found it shocking to see the chaotic conditions some of them live (or have to live) in. Sofa beds in the living room, cramped and cluttered children’s rooms, changing tables in the hallway, shoes and toys scattered everywhere, and so on.
That’s when we promised ourselves never to live with children in a rental apartment. Children grow up and quickly need more space. But right now, it’s not that easy to quickly find something new in a preferred location. Furthermore, I’m not a fan of changing kindergartens or schools, which is often unavoidable when moving from a rental into a family home. I experienced that many times as a child myself, and it didn’t do me any good. I would like to spare my child from that.
@Jean-Marc that is all completely understandable and also your right.
From your experience and based on this thread, it should have become clear that your attitude and need for safety do not necessarily match those of a large part of society.
So, let’s acknowledge what we already knew: everyone should do things the way they want. Others may do things differently and have their own opinions about differing views.
I wish you that, given the obvious desire to have children, the circumstances align soon and that you will be blessed with offspring in the near future.
From your experience and based on this thread, it should have become clear that your attitude and need for safety do not necessarily match those of a large part of society.
So, let’s acknowledge what we already knew: everyone should do things the way they want. Others may do things differently and have their own opinions about differing views.
I wish you that, given the obvious desire to have children, the circumstances align soon and that you will be blessed with offspring in the near future.
H
HilfeHilfe16 Mar 2019 21:17Jean-Marc schrieb:
I have great respect for so much courage. I mean that completely seriously. However, this wouldn’t be an option for us. When we were looking for a new apartment, we visited several unfamiliar places with young families, and I was shocked by the chaotic conditions some of them live (or have to live) in. Pull-out sofa beds in the living room, cramped and cluttered children’s rooms, changing tables set up right in the hallway, shoes and toys scattered everywhere, and so on.
That’s when we promised ourselves we would never want to live in a rental apartment with children. Kids grow up and quickly need more space. But right now, it’s not that easy to just find something new in the desired area. Furthermore, I’m not a fan of changing kindergartens or schools, which is often unavoidable when moving from a rental to a family home. I experienced this enough as a child, and it didn’t do me any good. I want to spare my child from that.We’ll talk again once you have children and see if everything in the house is still as neat and orderly.